Finding the Words...

Normally I sit down to type, and the words just pour off my fingertips.  I never have to think of what I want to say, because I usually have ten million things to say.  And normally, all ten million things I have to say, want to make an appearance at the same time...

    

I have an abundance of thoughts, but I don't quite know how to appropriately express the depth of thankfulness I am feeling.  Thankfulness for your, ever so kind sharing of tender words and emotions, over the last few days.  With every word, there was a huge wave of peace that washed over me. 

    

So many of you totally understand how I feel.  And, as I read your words, it was clear that I too understand, how many of you feel...

There are no words that can convey the feeling of someone saying, I understand and I care.

  

Baby and I have had the most precious life together, and will continue to, for as long as she is with us.  She is so kind and loyal, and I will miss her with a vast profoundness.  But, I wouldn't give up any of my experiences and memories with her, for anything in the world.

   

It may sound silly and cliché, even trite, but it is important to live each day to the fullest.  To absorb moments.  I learned the importance of that in my early twenties, with an experience that moved me into grabbing my life and making a pact with it, to truly live and feel.  And, to treat my life and myself as sacred, to be nurtured and protected.

   

There will be love and there will be loss.  There will be overflowing joy, and lakes of tears.  There is beauty in all feeling, if you embrace it, especially while you are healing...

    

The other day, I hammered a nail right through my finger, and to the other side (by accident, of course).  And, I didn't feel pain, I just looked at my finger, stunned.  And I thought, the fairies planned this so that I would be knocked out of my sadness.

And it worked.  I have so much peace right now.  Of course, I still get a deep pang in my heart when I think of Baby not feeling well.  But, I just want to live in the moment...

If I sulk, she sulks.  If I skip around, she follows.

So, skip around it is... (she has a big tear on the side of her face with the problem, poor beloved gal)

    

We have had such marvelous walks this weekend.  And, you wouldn't believe this but, there are plants flowering in our garden that have never flowered before.  Such curious little happenings are taking place.  Like a trio of Hummingbirds dancing around my head, and little yellow birds coming right up to me, and sitting right beside me.

   

   

And, to my complete delightment, my carnations are blooming...

  

I can't tell you what planting seeds and flowers does for my heart.  I wake up in the morning with so much gusto to get outside, and see what is going on out there.  I even like the weeds :)

The other day, Baby and I came upon the most scary little plant we have ever seen.  I had never ever seen one of these, and I thought, what an odd creature.  It wasn't a cactus, but it had huge thorns...

   

    

So I called Mister Lovee over, and he said, Oh ya, that's just a Milk Thistle... 

    

I went inside, and read about all the healing properties of Milk Thistle.  And, I smiled to myself, thinking about how something I thought looked so scary, is actually healing and wonderful.

It's a funny little life...

    

So, we are taking it day by day, and embracing happiness and peace.  There is nothing to do, but let go and ride the wave...

   

We will have a Mad Tea Party (details soon, like really soon), and we will dress up.  We will laugh and we will play.  We will cry if we feel like crying, and perhaps even dance at the same time.  We will hug, and hug, and hug some more.  

Life can change in an instant.  It is so much more fragile than we realize.  So many of us waste so much of it, for no reason at all.

The reminder in all of this - don't waste one precious moment...

    

Thank you.  Than you for being a kind soul.  Thank you for feeling with me.  Thank you for being here, through all sorts of things.  From nonsense, to magic, to real life and heart strings...

It's a marvelous curious life, isn't it?

♥,V

ps:  Have you seen this puppy?

   

    

It seems, he has been replaced with a verrry smoool and verrry strooong furry MAN.

   

   

I don't know how you human baby Mommies do it!  Now I know why my Dad squeezes my face and tells me how cute and cuddly and loveable I was, and then he makes baby sounds as he squeezes my cheeks and lips and over-squeezes in hugs.  

My puppy puppy poopsie pups..... Growed up...
 

Comments

[Marjorie]

OH....Dear Vanessa...this is so lovely, beautiful and moving. And your dear Baby....what a beautiful life she has with you! It was on my mind much over the weekend, and my heart goes out to you and your sweet Baby.

Oh, and your poor finger!

I feel just the same when I look at baby pictures of our own little Marmee kitty....she was so little, and fluffy and adorable! She is still much the kitten, only not quite as fluffy as she was then...now she is much more elegantly lovely and her gaze is so vast!

Warm thoughts and wishes you You and your sweet pups, Miss!

[Kim]

Well Vanessa,

Here I am again, just after you post. I've been anxious but a little scared to check your blog over the weekend. Now...I come here to find that, even in your pain, you've found beauty and life. Healing powers in your weeds and long walks with Baby.

My heart feels so much lighter after reading this. Now, I want to go outside and skip and dance and cry too!!

Kim
Gerushia's New World

[WrightStuff]

Oh Vanessa, my heart goes out to you. I hardly ever miss a post of yours but have been so busy that I hadn't stopped by for a week or so. I had to go back and read your posts then stop to give you some hugs and warmth. Take care of you and yours.xx

[Gina V]

So beautiful... so true... so you...
xoxo
and now I must hasten to cherish and appreciate my little baldy pup before he grows into a big hairy man (seemingly overnight)! Uurgh Time can be so cruel to us!

[Rori]

Your garden is so very lovely this year! I am quite envious! *grin* I have yet to actually see a hummingbird in really life. I have always been convinced that they are the daytime forms of fairies when they want to travel around incognito! (Fireflies at night though!)

They do grow up quite quickly, both babies with and without fur. I still look at mine and wonder when exactly was it when they became grown up... then they do something silly and I know that not quite yet! *giggle*

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better hon. Can't wait for the tea party!!

[Cassandra]

Hearts to you dear, and big fluffy loves to Baby.

[Barbara]

Dear girl,
Across the miles, so close and yet so far away in blogland I just love you to pieces and hold you close in thoughts and send you my very best wishes.

your Birdie girl

[Snap]

Hugs to all of you and wishing all of you well. Loving our furbabies comes with so much joy and so much sadness ... memories are wonderful things ... make lots of them! :D :D :D

[Bobbypin Bandit]

Holy cannoli! Matty is so big! No wonder you think Douglas is so small! I am glad you are enjoying the blooms and fresh air with Baby. I think as long as you keep enjoying your world and everything you have in it, you'll be content.

[Raven Moon Magic]

What a beautiful post Vanessa, you make meee feel calm!
Its true that having babies whether human or fur is a most amazing kind of love and you open your heart soo wide, but then its also soo vulnerable to pain. It gets kinda scarey at times like these... but Ohh Love, its an amazing risk to take.
and you can hear in your words how much love there is for your fur babies.

Matty the Man, I cant believe how fast he has grown, no wonder puppies jiggle around so much, they must be able to feel their bones stretching!!!! but ohh is he handsome, and he looks like he would be soo soft to cuddle....
Hope you have more wonderful days together to revel in each others love xxx

xxx Sheree
PS...I saw a humming bird once, it took my breath away and then it was gone

[Amy]

Vanessa, my heart breaks for you after looking at all your pictures. I lost my little cat, Cookie, just 7 months after she was born. But, she was THE cat for me. I cried for three days as though a family member had passed; grieved, ranted, sobbed. She is forever etched in my heart and I know she is waiting for me and that my sister who passed away years ago is taking good care of Cookie until I get there. You can see Cookie's silly pictures on my website. She used to love to fall asleep in the egg cartons where I sort and clean our farm eggs. www.picturetrail.com/thehappypeasant

[Linda]

Vanessa, Baby will live on in our hearts and minds. She will romp with the faeries throughout your beautiful property. You will get many glimpses of her doing so. Her unconditional will live with you always. I want you to charesh that love. Please focus on only the good. Your tears will fall when you least expect it and need not hold them back. Remember, your sadness will not go away but it will change. I have lost fur babies myself. I speak from experience.
You need to smile and speak to Baby often.
I want to thank you...Your work inspires me. I charish that.

[Maggi]

I am so sorry your Baby is not feeling well. I will be praying for a miracle and barring that will hope that Baby's pain will be minimal.

My thoughts are with you my friend!

P.S.-Wow, I remember when you got the pup and now look at him! :D

[Kaerie Faerie]

So sorry to hear about your furry baby, enjoy every moment, and hug and kiss often.
My little Sailor may not be with me long, but I'm just going have fun every day with her, time with the ones we love is so short
your fairy friend
Karey

[Julie Marie Vicknair]

Hello dear Vanessa... what a beautiful touching post... I am so sorry to hear about the nail going all the way through your finger... yes, it is a curious life that sometimes brings us peace in the most unusual ways... Baby looks just precious and I am happy you are spending enchanting times out in the beauty of Nature with her... little Matty is adorable too... he has grown so much! I will make a wish that one hundred good things shall come your way... love to you... xoxo Julie Marie

[amberleilani]

what a beautiful post!
you amaze me constantly by your ability to embrace what life gives you and see the beauty in the world that most people never see.
i am so glad that you and baby have been taking wonderful walks and that your lovely garden is producing suprises for you all to see.
and i can't believe how big matty is! gawd, they grow soooo fast, don't they!?

[A Forest Frolic]

Gosh Vanessa, he has grown so! It seems like you just got him yesterday, tee hee. What beautiful flowers and milk thistles you have growing on your land...I like many weeds too (but then they like to take over ;) Big sweet smooches to Baby...that is such a lovely photo of her. And hugs to you too of course, I know this is a hard time for you. Sending magical happy stars your way (look up, do you see them?) Or maybe by the time it gets dark there, you will see them ;)

Jamie :)

[vivian]

HI Vanessa, so sorry about your baby. I truely understand.. have been there way too many times. Just last year I lost my 15 and 16 year old kittens, both to tumors. so very difficult. I like to think that all of my pets have been precious gifts from God, warm and sweet and full of unconditional love! and I do feel like (when I'm aware and thinking thankfully..) that all animals that I come in contact with are a little smile to me from God! I dont tell everyone that, because some would think I was nuts.. but that is what I think sometimes. and sometimes I think I just might be nuts! or should I say.. "mad" and thats ok though.. because... arent all the best people mad?
hugs to you an your baby!
vivian

[waterrose]

Yes, it is good to live in each and every moment...good and bittersweet. Loved the flowers I've never seen that one that was very colorful...what was that? Milkweed Thistle does have some ugly thorns, but gets the cute soft top...blows away and makes more.

[Wendy Sice]

Ah, you have found the secret to embracing life! Skipping! I see kids do it and now I know why - they are so carefree. Another thing that seems to help is whistling. That sounds silly and old-fashioned, but if you can do it, whistling is such cheerful sound. I love the idea of you having walks with Baby. I imagine you are chatting away to her the whole time. She is well loved, and you will know you have given her that in abundance. Your furry man is huge now. And your Dad sounds adorable. We often talk about how cute my son Jack was when he was little, and how cute our cat was when he was little - he could actually fit in our pockets! Take care - skip, whistle, hug, chat, love, laugh. Wendy xxx

[Teresa in California]

Hi, Miss Vanessa
Your garden looks like the Garden of Eden, so lush and wonderful. So full of life...the bees, the birds, and your very precious pups.
Maddy has turned into a very handsome dog. Enjoy every minute you can with Baby, hide all of her sweetness in your heart. I had some very dear sweet kitties who grew up and knew me so well...they would comfort me when I needed comforting...it is actually amazing how God's beautiful creatures know when you love them so very much. I visited my sister a year ago on the east coast. She has three orange tabby cats. One of them NEVER stays in a room when strangers come. He will go hide in their basement. One evening my sister and I watched a movie and here comes Picasso, the shy cat, and he sat on my lap the entire movie, purring his head off. I do love animals and they can sure sense it.
Then, when it was time for me to fly back home to California, the evening before I left, my sister came upstairs to visit while I packed, and all three of her cats walked up the stairs into my room...and my sister said 'They are telling you good-bye! In the ten days I had been there, the cats had not come into my room before. We had never seen cats do this. We were touched by their sweet little souls. I felt honored to know that those cats loved me as much as I loved them.
Baby has a precious spirit and she knows how you feel, as she is going through the same feelings you are experiencing. And that is a beautiful experience.
Blessings abound in curious ways,
hugs,
Miss Teresa

[Lesley Walker]

Good morning from the UK Vanessa, I wish there were more people like you in the world. Blessings and love

[SueAnn]

Your journey through your garden is ever so fascinating! The flowers and thorns; the birds and the sky...so beautiful! And Baby by your side...so sweet and absolutely perfect! Thank you for sharing your life with me...and I hope you have a chance to visit me and share my life. One day we will meet and it will be so amazing! We will laugh and cry, all at the same time.
Hugging you
SueAnn

[kj]

dear neighbor, :)

awwwwh, vanessa. you have FOUND words to what we all know and feel: there is a part of loving deeply we will find beauty in even when it means saying goodbye.

this might be my very favorite of your posts. i love seeing all your friends here, supporting and understanding.

you will never really lose baby. and how great that you are both still hanging out...
love always, vanessa! you are the BEST neighbor, even if a tad eccentric!!!

love
kj

[Mo'a]

My Dear Vanessa, I just read your post below. I am so sorry to hear about your little love. I feel your pain, as I have lost many beloved pets. Yes they are a part of our family and bring as much love to us as our human members.
You create beauty around you and send out to the world, even when your heart is braking...I love your for that.
Your statement, to live each day to the fullest, does not sound silly and cliché, even trite...it is the right way to live.
Your advise is a sound one.
I can tell you that I live this way with my Parents who are very elderly and more frail each day. And during the short times I have with my Son and his family...my lovely Grandchildren :) and dealing with my own health problems...yes I live each day to the fullest and never take for granted the lovely gift of life that I have been given.
Give Baby hugs and a kisses from me...and keep some for yourself.

[Dana Jones]

bless your heart!

[Pat]

Beautiful photos and beautiful, heartful words ~ thank you so much for sharing. I tear up when I read about Baby or see these pics of her...letting go is so hard but so necessary. I admire you and how you are handling this. My heart goes out to you and Mr Lovee too.

xoxo
Pat

[JO]

You have so many friends who do know and do understand... many have been there.... and can identify with the pain.... our pups... they are our children... loving .... loyal.... sweet... cuddly... caring... protective...full of nothing but love and kisses.... Its hard when its time to let that go... but realize that sweet puppy has a good full life and knows how loved she is... there are so many animals that are mistreated everyday .....so take comfort in knowing that your loving baby was lucky in having you to love her and you lucky to have been loved back...

Thinking of you through this trying time ....

Admiring your attitude ...

LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS
JO

[Andria]

What sweet, beautiful souls you and your Baby have. When I read your post about Baby the other day, my heart ached for you. Bless you both!

[Deborah]

So much wisdom, Little One. Beautiful words, incredible images. Sometimes life is a lot like childbirth; the only way out of it is through it. And love is born.

These photos are fantastical.
Other worldly...the wee, magical world where my Beloved New Age Hippie lives.

Sending you all of my love on the wings of a garden fairie. **blows kisses** Deb

[Alia]

My feline furries are what makes each day better for me, but they are getting old and I am so worried about the days when they get really old. I will be devastated. But reading your wonderful posts reminds me that that is still a couple years away so I should just savor and appreciate every moment I have with them now. We are all behind you here and it is so nice that you share you beautiful pictures and inspiring thoughts with us!

[sadira]

Oh V. I have missed so much, as my life has taken on what resembles a bit of a whirlwind and I haven't been checking the corners I usually enjoy checking so very much. Sweet Baby...with all of her smiles and love. I am so happy that you're able to love her for however long you get, and I was thinking what a wonderful gift it has been for the last 3 years of getting to spend your days in her company...and then to have her tutor another young boy. Sigh. It is so hard to say good bye to such a loved member of the family...I have been giving Mena extra pats and deep looks into the eyes as I am noticing some profound (yet small) changes in her being lately. It occurs to me that these little fur babies bring so much and are sometimes in the background of things...but not really. Really they ARE things...in the midst of loving and living and celebrating. Give her all the love she can hold up in her heart and celebrate the life that you've all gotten to share with each other...and nurture yourself too sweet girl.

[michelle]

Oh Miss Vanessa, I am so sorry. My parents just lost our Webster on Easter Sunday and our whole family is still so sad and feeling the void. I hope you make many more wonderful memories with Baby and that you continue to feel peace and our love.

[Tricia McWhorter]

Such lovely posts—this and the one that came before. I totally understand furry love and think it's great you were able to move out of doors to be closer to your friends. We have a wonderful cat that adopted us about twelve years ago. We don't know how old he is but he has a tumor on his thyroid and an enlarged heart. Daily we watch him get thinner, despite his medications. He doesn't seem to be in any pain and he's a total sweetie so we just try to love him as much as we can while we have him physically in our life. It is tough, isn't it? But we feel so lucky to have shared in his life. Take care.

[Patricia]

I wanted to let you know you have a special prayer from me and I totally agree with grasping each day to the fulliest. Bless you, dear girl.

[Nancy]

I do the same thing to my girls that your Dad does to you...major squishy face! ;-)

Do take care of yourself my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Baby. {{{{Big huge hug}}}}

[Sarah]

You are an inspiring and lovely person and you are right-living each day is all we have got. And it is so right to be happy so Baby will be happy too-that is what being a good mum is about I think(furry or other types of babies!)
Take care xx

[Theresa]

Dear Vanessa, here is some verse from one of my favorite poets. When I read it, I immediately thought of you. It expresses how I feel, and I hope that it will bring a little joy to your heart. Because there is truly no greater gift...

Little Dog's Rhapsody in the Night

He puts his cheek against mine
and makes small, expressive sounds.
And when I'm awake, or awake enough

he turns upside down, his four paws
in the air
and his eyes dark and fervent

Tell me you love me, he says.

Tell me again.

Could there be a sweeter arrangement? Over and over
he gets to ask it.
I get to tell.

by Mary Oliver

Thank you for a brave and beautifully inspiring post. xoxo Theresa

[kj]

thinking of you and baby, vanessa. the thoughts make me almost cry, because i so fully understand.

love can hurt so deeply, but underneath it all, it is precious love.

kj

[Mimi and Tilly]

Oh Vanessa, I can really relate to what your are saying. And just wanted to send you love through the internet ether. Emma xxxxxx (oodles of love).

[Stephanie]

oh Vanessa,
I am so sad for you...I know well how hard this is, these little furry babes are part of our lives.

It is a very special time you have with her now and will soak in every moment...she know, that you know...

x...x
steph

[teresa]

Dearest Vanessa
Life is so strange.
I say this because I had no idea you were in such heartache...such pain...and filled with such raw emotion.
Just this morning I posted about taking a break from blogging.
I hope you will pop over and have a peek.
Surely you will know...exactly how I feel.
So I had not gone onto any blogs today.
I am not going to any blogs for at least two to three weeks.
I just need some time...time...more in my world...and less in the worlds of others.
I've been working on my new computer lately. So I don't have you bookmarked on my new computer...that's why I haven't been over lately...to read your sweet words and lite into your sweet world.
Doogan and I popped up here where the old computer is for me to change...part of my new promise is to walk with Doogan more...my fluffy boy...and stay on the computer less. Even now he waits...but I had to talk to you after I popped into your world.
So...for some reason...something told me to turn on this computer.
And when I did...I saw the Fanciful Twist icon on my desktop...the only blog icon on my desktop...to remind me to pop over.
So I thought to myself...
well I guess I could break my promise and pop over to just one blog....just go visit Vanessa...in her sweet little world. Hey...I thought...what if secretly "A Fanciful Twist" is the ONLY blog I visit during my HOLIDAY...from BLOGGING!
So I popped over.
I popped over to your raw...oh so near and dear to my heart...emotions...just flowing from you.
As soon as I began to read...
I just wanted to call your sweet heart.
I just wanted you to instantly know that noone could feel your pain more than I.
Oh how I wanted to love on you and your dear SWEET BABY!
I haven't read on.
I don't know yet what you found out about Baby.
I may not continue to read...
until tonight...
since your blog is now been designated as the only BLOG I am going to treat myself to during my HOLIDAY.
Please let me hear from you.
Please email me your address so that I can send my words to you.
Please do know that even though I don't really know what has happened...
I know enough to know for sure that you are feeling the worst possible pain that there is...almost.
Know that I am thinking of you.
That I am sending you sweet sweet thoughts and prayers as I go out into the sunshine and walk my fluffy boy.
I will be back in touch soon.
I'm so glad someone up there told me you needed me to know.
Happy Happy Wags from Doogan to Baby!
We Care about you BOth!
Love, Teresa and Doogan
...not taking the time to spell check or check for grammatical errors...so beware...I have been typing fast.
xxooxxooxoxoxoxoxxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoox!

[Ann-Denise Anderson]

Miss V~
Just came by and sat a while~read your happenings~I'll wish happy thoughts your way~ Wishing baby well:0 I hope to come through Tucson this summer~Miss the mountains!Look forward to the Tea!
xoox, Miss Ann-Denise

[Linda]

Vanessa, your ever so kind words about how we helped you find some peace meant so much to me! Your post was equally peaceful and sweet. I love thinking of you and Baby wandering your beautiful property together and making discoveries. Your pictures always just reach out and grab me with their beauty. I want you to know that in honor of Baby, I have been giving my little chihuahua mix furry boy extra rubs and sweet talk. Oh, and that Matty is such a big boy now! Also, so sorry about the nail incident. Ouchee! I hope that finger heals quickly and doesn't delay any artsy undertakings you might want to indulge in!

[Shell]

Lady V, you keep savoring your days. Live and drink it all up. Know that whenever you and Baby have to physically part that you have all these chock full of memories to relish. Memories have been my allies when remembering those who I have loved and are now gone on to the other side.

[debbie egizio]

Hi Sweet Vanessa, I wanted to stop by and say hello since I've been away for so long. I started to read your post and read the one before that and now I'm in tears over your baby that is ill. I know how difficult that is and my heart goes out to you. Those sweet pups show so much love even when they are in pain and suffering. Sorry that your heart is so tender now. I'm sending you and your darling pet a giant hug. xxxoooxxx Deb

[Canada Flowers]

The poetry, marvelous. The writing, stunning. The flowers, wondrous. The frames of each photo, inspiring. Although the flowers, are the most enchanting. Trust me about flowers enchanting.

[Eileen @ Star's Fault]

Oh sweetie, I just KNOW where you are at in this journey with your dearest Baby. I found myself in the same place with my Starry Girl, and I cuold not spend enough time with her, drinking in the memories, storing away every joyful, sorrowful moment. I was thankful for the pain, because it left me with the knowledge that my heart could love something so much, and what a joy it was to experience the eyars of that love with this small, dear, creature. My favorite thing was to bury my face in her soft fur and drink in the scent of her, I used to say to Mr. Wonderufl, "she smells to kitty-ish" and somehow that smell was the most favorite perfume I could imagine. I have read that smells can bring forward the most powerful memories, some connection there. How wonderfully we are designed.

Embrace it all, it is sad, priceless, a blessing indeed.

Kindest Regards, Eileen @ Star's Fault

[Carl V.]

Allow me to express my sincerest condolences for what you are going through with your Baby. I had my first experience with pet loss a few years ago and it was more devastating than I would have thought, so I certainly can empathize with what you are experiencing. Such a cutie, I'm so sad for her pain, and yours.

I am so inspired by the way that you are approaching both this painful time and your life in general. I look at your outside studio and your beautiful flowers and have a positive envy, if there is such a thing, for your special place that you've created.

Right now, when the weather is particularly beautiful, I cannot help but want to escape from the office and be outside. I've certainly found myself taking the more scenic route to and from work, spending my lunches outdoors in a park close by, and doing as many shorter days as I can. Still, I want to run away and frolic in the woods!!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I appreciate that you trust your readers enough to share what is going on in your life, the good and the bad.

[Sandra Lee]

I am so saddened to hear about your sweet furry baby...I am a huge pet lover and my pets (even a fish) are so very dear to me. Please know I can feel your emotions right now and I will keep you all in my prayers. Our pets love us so much as we do them and they truly are a gift from God. Enjoy your "outside days and moments" and play and skip and hug and love on one another. After losing so many in my life last year, I am trying to really show and tell everyone I love how special they are including my animals! Hugs!