5 a.m. {Garden Twists & More}

We are back in the garden today, the place you would find me if you were visiting in the flesh.  As you may know, everyday for the last 3+ months, I have gotten out of bed at a time that is considered "crazy early" by my standards.  Although, it seems my standards have changed, because if I happen to open my eyes at 6:20 a.m., I am annoyed at myself for sleeping so late.  

At 5 a.m., the garden is waiting, and I have plenty of work to do...

 

Right at this moment, as I am typing, something odd has come over me.  I was going to keep this post simple, but all of a sudden, I feel compelled to type what it is, that is going on here, at A Fanciful Twist...

 

You see, I believe in paths.  I believe in learning and growing, I believe in feeling, even if the feelings are not always over the top happy.  I would rather feel, no matter how raw, than not feel at all.

 

It's funny, you know, for 10 years I have tried to grow things at the country house ( I have told you this before).  The country house already had 40 year old roses, and trees and other beauties growing. 

But, I wanted to grow my own seeds.  I wanted to watch them flourish...

 

Granted, years ago I was not that savvy about what country gardening required, or what the earth at the country pad required. 

 

But, I tried for many years, and only got a little sprig here or there.  And then, this spring, I started early, and seeds became my passion.  I watered and believed, and made huge garden dreams with my pups.

 

And now, my garden is holding my hand.  My garden is embracing me.  Embracing my little family here...

 

Little characters in my mind, tell each other stories, as I roam our land. 

For example:

Two little gals sit in the grass, one visiting and one gardening.  The visiting little girl asks the gardener girl, "Why are you planting so many seeds and spending all your time in the garden...?"

And the gardening little girl says, "I am filling my voids with seeds and seedlings..."

The visitor asks, "What are your voids?"

And the little gardener girl replies, "I am not sure yet, but I am preparing myself..."

 

And just like that, the garden becomes a sort of Mister Miyagi, and teaches me so many things.

 

Would you care to hear a tiny bit of what I have learned, in my little garden?

It's not just lessons, but also, reminders with real life examples.

So, the journey of the last 3+ months, and tons of hard labor (with bruises and cuts galore) goes like this.

 

Hello 5 a.m.

 Pups and I head out to check hundreds and hundreds of seeds that I planted.

I check out everything.  I find out where the gophers have been, and where the rabbits have been, and I wonder with slight fear, what precious growing creatures might be missing.

Sometimes, pumpkin vines you have been nurturing like crazy, go from this...

 

To this (4 pumpkin vines down, note the gopher hole)...

 

At first when I started losing plants to gophers I would totally freak out.  But now when I find this, I sulk for a second and then I have to just shrug my shoulders and say "ooooh weeeeel," in my best Eeyore voice. 

At this point I feel like, anything that survives is just blessed luck.  I learn to let go a little bit more with each loss.  3 months hard work, gone in 2 seconds.  And, it's okay.

 

So, every morning it begins again.  Early morning comes, and we venture down the path, headed out to a handful of garden areas, where watering time ensues.

I have gone through several different gardening persona's over the course of seed, to seedling, to hearty plant.  I have been the cave girl gardener.  Using anything I could find to build my garden, while carrying tons of rocks around, to build paths and borders.

I have also been, the blair witch gardener.  Where I mask all my growing spaces with scary curved branches and tons of creepy brush.  It has been quite funny, in a way.

In early spring, at the same time the garden was starting to show signs of life, we found out that Baby had a tumor.  I cried and cried and felt jolts of loss pain.  I curled in the dirt (exactly where she is in the photo above), my body wrapped around hers.  If I made the slightest jester to move, she would grab me with her snout and bring me back to spoon hugging position. 

 

We needed a second opinion, so we tried a new vet.  She was awesome.  We had renewed hope.

 

We continued cuddling in the garden, watching the sky...

 

My garden began to really flourish.  Random wildflower seed delivered (and continues delivering) superbly interesting blooms...

I had all but given up on wildflower mixes and dreaming of surprise flowers that might bloom. 

That is.. 

Until this year.

 

I guess you can say, my foolish determination cup, is refilled ;)

 

I suppose foolish determination might be here for a long time, after-all.

 

Last week, just as the huge apricot tree way out back, began to offer us fruit that was ready for picking...

 

We got the dreaded call, rottenly, while Mister Lovee was on a business trip.  Baby's biopsy came back.  The results are less than good.  I felt terribly awful.  I held on tight, to a wave of peace in my soul. 

I cried and cried. 

Then, I thought about the garden, and the lessons it has taught me over the last 3 months.  I thought about life, and loss.  About the beauty of it all.  About how tender and fragile everything is.

I made a decision...

 

I let go.

I have no control over anything really, so there is nothing to hold on to.

The only thing I can control a tiny bit, is how I decide to live.

I choose to live a happy life. 

Baby has had a wonderful life here.  She changed me, and she enhanced my life beyond words.

And, more importantly, she is still here, she still has a life to live, and I want it to be as good as it has always been.  No matter how long she has...

So, for now it is pure love, and parties and living.

The other day, we met under the apricot tree, her and me...

And a friend even joined us...

For apricot picking. 

While we were picking apricots I thought, life doesn't have to lose is luster because yucky things happen.  We don't have to stop twirling, and feeling free, because sad waves visit us.  I think that, as long as we allow ourselves to feel, and leave the doors to our heart and mind open, then goodness can find us. 

Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.

 

I am sad that Baby has to go through this.  I am sad that I will lose her sooner than I want to.  But I would be sadder, if I had never known her.

So, I feel happy that she is here now.  And that we get to pick apricots together, and roll in the dirt like dogs :)

 

Life is sweet.

 

It has so much to offer.  Perception is key...

I love that time does not stand still.  It moves.  It flows.

And just as quickly as we lose 4 pumpkin vines, another flourishes...

I decide to give it a hand.  Taking pollen from a male flower, and delivering it to a female...

And just like that, a baby pumpkin begins to grow.

Life.

It's a kooky little adventure isn't it?

Maybe we are not always open to change...

But, when a 10 ft. cactus falls over unexpectedly, 5 seconds after you were kneeling right under it, you can't be sad about losing the beloved cactus, but be happy that 5 seconds saved you from a 300 lb. head smash.  Change happens, eeks!

All I could say was, "Timber?"

My garden is teaching me lessons.

Big ones, little ones, all different sized ones.

I am listening, living and loving...

(tiny flowers buds, from a blooming radish, who knew?)

 

♥ ,V

Comments

[Stacy]

Your post is so beautiful (and so is your garden). I'm sorry about Baby, losing a pet is so hard, especially when you have such a strong connection. Your words are inspiring.

[Michele]

Dearest Vanessa,

Your words, your images, your "you-ness", they fill my heart and soul with peace...with hope...with wonder and enchantment. And I thank you, from the bottom of my heart to the tips of my toes, I thank you for being you...for sharing your beautiful "you-ness" with us. We are all better for it. :)

Peace and blessings to you and to your dear, sweet Baby. She is so lucky to have you.

Warmly,

Michele

[Alia]

I am so glad I checked your blog today, I really needed this post right now since a very upsetting event has been happening in my life totally beyond my control. I generally try to live life appreciating the good times and letting go of the things I can't do anything about, but your words and wonderful photos were just the reminder I needed, so thank you!

[Alia]

ps. I am so sorry to hear about Baby's results, but we are all sending happy thoughts.

[Laura]

Dogs are angels in fur coats. Some change costumes sooner than others. Hugs to you, I know how it hurts.

[Kaerie Faerie]

lovely post, helps a lot, I loss two furry pets this year, and it has been very hard, but life is beautiful and I try to enjoy every day
Karey

[Michelle]

Thank you. I so needed to hear words like that at the moment.

[Kim]

Vanessa...you have rendered me speechless. That's rare!!

There's so much I want to write here, today. But I can't get my balance...I don't know where to start.

I think you sort of captured the essence of life in general with this one, simple statement:

"I am sad that I will lose her sooner than I want to. But I would be sadder, if I had never known her."

*sigh*

Thank you, my friend...that's all, just thank you!

Kim
Gerushia's New World

[Mary Lou]

Thank you for a wonderful post that blessed me.

[Joyce]

This is a wonderful "life lessons" post. Your garden is lovely. Whenever I am confronted with what seems an immeasurable loss and I am about to sink into tremendous grief I remember this fabulous quote: "Don't Cry Because It's Over,
Smile Because It Happened."

[tina]

we have angels in our lives that come in all forms....even ones in fur :)
I posted this thought on my blog after I read your post:

enjoy
enjoy
enjoy every exciting moment
of your life!
When they are happy ones, sing, twirl, leap for joy.
When they are sad ones,
acknowledge them as such
grieve as you need
then look at the magical lessons and bountiful gifts that you were given for a time
count them each one by one
and give thanks
for by these acts you grow in your spirit
you breathe,
you exist
you are you...unique in every way.

I was on my knees yesterday planting some salvia and listening to the brids when I realised something had snuck up behind me.....fearing it was a rattlesnake, I jumped around to see
a poor, as-frightend-as-I at the moment, QUAIL trying his best to gather his wits to fly away from the hysterical woman who was now rolling on the ground at the obsurdity of being scared by a quail!

I am thankful it wasn't a snake :)

[Linda Diane]

Your post, Vanessa, was so filled with beauty both seen and read. I am crying once again with the confirmation of Baby's condition. Your thoughts were so sweet. It is very hard to feel joy when our minds are already wrapped around the sadness that is to come. I do pray that you will be able to find much pleasure in the days ahead, in the here and now when dear Baby is with you!

[Kathy]

Each day is a gift. It truly is. Unwrap it slowly and savor all the goodness. Take care, sweetie. This was a wonderful post. - Kathy

[Laura S.]

Beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to Baby, and to you and your hubby. Animals bless our lives in so many ways.

[Misha/DawaiOser]

Definitely. Indeed. Most of all - thank you for the reminder. <3

[Pat]

A beautiful post ~ both in written form and the incredible photos. My heart is heavy in regard to the news about Baby...but like you said, your life ~ and ours ~ would not be the same without knowing her...and about her. God bless each of you and hold you close.

Your gardens & flowers are so lovely and you have truly captured the essence of living.

xoxo
Pat

[sadira]

Being outside and in tune with the rhythms of our own little corners of land always has something to teach us doesn't it? Thank you for sharing your lessons and observations. They are truly beautiful...as is your sweet family.

[Tess]

oh honey....how hard to get this news when Mr Lovee is out of town...but...you have your garden to teach you such lessons!

Of life and death and of enjoying the fruits while they last.

I'm happy you have such a lovely home to enjoy baby in.

x..x
steph

[Teresa in California]

Dearest Miss Vanessa
I am in awe of all of your efforts to grow your wonderful oasis in the desert.
What joy you must have each morning when you arise and meet the sunrise (those glorious desert sunrises!) to meet the day full ahead, the sweet with the not so sweet, the surprises of the seedlings you planted, the amazing colors of the flowers (God's amazing paint brush!) The juicy fruit to be tasted, rewards to you for all of your very hard three months worth of labor (and then some!) And, I am so happy that I have been able to delight in your tales of your puppy dog tails, even with the bad stuff. We all wish life were a bed of roses...sniff...sniff...:( But that is what makes us strong individuals, with hearts of gold and we 'feel' because we are very much alive.
Hugs, cheers, fairy dust, rose petals, all the good things I can think of coming your way...
Thank you for this enriching post.
:)))))))))))))))))
Many smiles
Miss Teresa

[Kerridwen Niner]

What a wonderful read although my eyes are watering a little. I can relate to alot of what you say. After having to call the police last year having not seen my neighbour for a while they found him upstairs, not of this world anymore. I watched as they gutted his house and threw away many years of belongings along with dust and grime that had long sat unattended. It gave me a reality check about the fragility of life, it has stuck with me but like you i create, i grow and i tend my life garden and get great satisfaction from all that i love and the love it gives back to me. Have a lovely weekend :)

[Lisa WrightStuff]

Life's lessons can be hard sometimes but you have a way of teaching with compassion and warmth. What a wonderful post Vanessa. Bright blessings to you and yours (and that includes the pumpkin vines - it's the slugs that eat my beloved seedlings, so I feel your pain!!)

[Lesley Walker]

Thank you. Your words have filled me with hope. Blessings

[Michaele Sommerville]

What a beautiful post, though you *had* me with Mr. Miyagi and Eeyore.

My Dear Daughter (soon to be 16) decided she wanted a container garden this year on our back porch... it is (so far) safe from other creatures who would also like to enjoy a salad, and we're beginning to see flowers on the tomato plants, and little winding and curling feeler strands on the cucumbers. It's beautiful, reaffirming. So much so that Dear Daughter and I have decided that in the future, we're going to grow our own nummies as well as a "gift garden" where seeds are planted especially for our furry and winged friends.

Another Eeyore quote? "Thaaaannnkkkkks for noticing..." and sharing your thoughts with us.

[jacqueline]

This is such an inspiring and beautiful post. Your garden is gorgeous! I'm sorry about Baby, losing a pet is so hard. So happy to have found your lovely space! Have a lovely merry happy weekend and love to you!

[Snap]

Oh, Vanessa ... beautiful post about LIFE. Hugs to you and yours ... Wishing all of you well....

[Lisa]

What an awesome post! Love to you and to Baby.

[EarthyPaws]

Hi!
I've always been shy about commenting on your blog (I think I commented once before) lol. But I just wanted to tell you that I really related to this post, and it has helped to put me at ease about something really bad that just happened in my life. So I just wanted to say thank you :)Thank you for such a wonderful post, and God bless :)

[jennifer]

I'm so sorry to hear about Baby. Your post was very touching and your garden wonderful. It's truly hard to lose a beloved pet, but you can rest assured you gave her a beautiful, love-filled life and enjoy her until she is no longer with you. And then do like we do, go out and adopt another animal who needs a caring and loving owner.

[JO]

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes... reading this.... actually my tears are landing on my table ...

Somehow you manage to put things into perspective... somehow you manage to bring me back ...to realize.... that my problem with my nutty neighbor doesnt seem as crazy when I read something as loving as a post like this...

I know how hard it is for you ... my Pepper ..... My American bulldog went through something similar... all of a sudden she wasnt feeling well... all of a sudden she had a tumor on her side... May 23 2006 she left me... but she taught me about love and life and loyalty and I am grateful I had her with me for the short time I did...

Cherish the memories... love her as long as you can... she knows that love and it has allowed her a very rich life with a very loving friend... YOU...

LOTS OF HUGS ARE COMING YOUR WAY AND BABYS WAY...
JO

[Theresa]

Tears welled up in my eyes when I was reading this post, Vanessa. Much love to you and to Baby. We cannot control certain things, but we can certainly live the very best that we can. Enjoy all your precious time with Baby. It's the little things in life that count so much - beautiful flowers, blossoming pumpkins, ripe fruit, a precious lick on the face from a beautiful pup. Thank you for sharing with all of us...your strength and courage is a beacon of light for us all. xoxo Theresa

[Deborah]

♥Love♥Love♥Love♥
Nothing else to add, you wise little one.
**blows kisses** Deb

[ylva]

just beautiful, v. i don't want to add a thing, just let you know that it's one of those posts that will stay in heart and mind for quite a while. just like your baby. wishing her (and you with her) the loveliest time left. i also enjoyed the art-saves-post that i read the other day :). so honest and sweet.

summer hugs,

[laura]

I'm sad about Baby, but loving that your outer world is almost (almost) as beautiful as your inner world. You really are such a caretaker of wonder. Caretakers of Wonder is a cute little storybook---you don't need it---you clearly get the idea. :)

[Penny Patten]

Sorry for the sadness, looks like yummy fruit, and beautiful flowers!

[Monica Davis]

Vanessa,
Losing a pet is so hard-we lost our beloved pomeranian Bambi after fifteen years as a devoted friend and family member--her picture is on my blog at greatstampini.blogspot.com
we will miss her for oh so long but when we think of the joy she brought our family for so many years it is a little easier just like you post conveys. Thanks for sharing your artful life:)

[Rebecca is Thrilled by the Thought]

Wonderful and beautiful. I need more of these thoughts in my life right now.

[Krista Komis]

Oh Vanessa...
You are a truly beautiful person, inside & out. I feel for you & your sweet Baby, and your posts are always inspiring. This post brought me nearly to tears (a difficult fete I might add, I don't cry easily) You are incredible and brave and a wonderful teacher (especially to me, who looks at things so negatively sometimes)

I send my prayers, love & fairy kisses to Baby, and wish you the longest, most wonderful days that I'm sure will be filled with many memories & peace.

-Krista

[gail friend]

Hi, what a pretty post. Your garden is very special.I am so sorry to hear about your sweet Baby. Enjoy your time. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. (()) gail

[Michelle Cummings]

what a wonderful post. I lost my cat a few years back but was happy that he held on long enough to meet Dyllan. Right now we are all waiting and embracing moments as my MIL is dying. And it's a whole new
(awkward everything)
you will be brave, and cry and then you will create masterpieces of memories. No doubt about it.

:)

[Gillian]

You have so very many NOW moments left with Baby.
Drink them all in!

And to you my little pumpkin pollinator...I say this:

I'm so jealous of your garden. SO!
Working on mine. One sweet dreamy day it will be a reflection of my hard work like yours is of yours.

Keep twirling. If one thing is true it's this, Baby wants you to be happy no matter what. That is what is so darned loveable about dogs. They just love love love and continue to unconditionally love. Like Dug from UP!
xoxoxo
:D
Hug Baby from Aunt Gill!

[Della]

Dear Vanessa,
I'm so sorry to hear about the health of your sweet Baby. I know how difficult it is. Keep close to her and warm wishes to you for these days.

[karen fullerton]

Vanessa,
I lovingly remember Stella (my mini Schnauzer) Cooler (our junk yard dog) Panzer (a noble human in dog skin) Apache (my childhood German Shepard) and other "friends" that have come to live their (always too brief) lives. Most recently I posted "Dogs go to Heaven" on my blog for Colby Anne Ramey (my best friend's dog) who recently passed away also.
We now have Grizzly, a 135 pound American Bulldog that totally has our hearts (and money, with over $6000.00 of leg surgeries that we don't have to spend!) But he is so special and important to us that we have no option. He is now turning 6. I get misty thinking that someday he will also 'go the way' of all our others.
Our lives completely imploded 8 years ago. We won't "get past" our tragedy but we have learned (like you)to live in the moment. I enjoy my odd little life and look for as much pleasure as I can from the little things.
Your blog is one of them.
Thank you for this post.
xoxo
karen
If you want to see Grizzly or Colby:
http://weirdbirdstudio.blogspot.com

[Debbie Doodles]

They have our heart. Our pets - purr and sing bark and cajole us into leaving our art to play and talk or romp with them. Pet me you foolish human - I am here. I love you lets play. You are so connected - Baby will be with you long after she is gone from this physical world. I am so sorry to hear of your pain and knowing all too well the path you are on. I wish you well and safe journey.

We are all here for you.

So happy to have found you and your fanciful posts, blog and website via Pickaland. What a treat you are. You are inspiring. Have inspired me to play in my garden again Thank you so very much. We will be moving from where we are now to another place so I have placed my crazy plantings in pots for now. Wild flowers from seeds, ferns dark plants with wonderful purple flowers . . .

I had misplaced my fancy - and have been on a quest to find the quizzicalness that seemed to have escaped me for a time.

Much gratitude and love to you and baby. Wish you many happy moments (memories) laying on the ground looking at the sky and romping in your beautiful garden.

[Bobbypin Bandit]

You remind me of the lyrics in a song I heard the other day, "rather than hold on to a broken dream, I am going to hold on to love." For every one thing you remember, there is one thing you forget; as long as you remember all the good things about Babs, you won't think about anything else. I admire your ability to not be afraid to live, as so many of us are afraid to feel alive, because it might hurt. Even in your absence, your green thumb is present... the townhouse garden is in full bloom...

[Stacie]

Awesome. Really great insights and I love the way your outer environment reflects what is going on in your inner environment. Or is it the other way around?

[Tiffany Singleton]

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing...I think you have the right attitude. Enjoy every moment you can with Baby. God Bless. xo

[Robyn]

Hello :)

this is an absolutely beautiful post.

Keep on loving your Baby... miracles do happen. Live in the moment as much as possible and I believe that you have made a wise choice - choose to be happy :)

I hope to find my way back here again.
It's wonderful in your garden.
Thank you for sharing.

I'm sending big love to your dog :)

Robyn

[Kim]

What amazingly wonderful words. My heart goes out to you and Baby, having gone through the same thing with my beloved cat. 18months later and he is still with me, I am grateful for that.

You are very wise and kind and sweet, it shows in the beauty of your garden with your pets and wild friends around you. Hugs to you all.x

[alissa apel]

You have an AWESOME blog, so I award you with the Versatile Blogger Award!
http://sugarcookieart.blogspot.com/2010/06/blog-award.html

I had to pick blogs that I recently discovered, and I just started reading this one of yours. I'm an artist, art teacher and this blog inspires me.

[Laraine Atherton]

Dear Little Girl......I will keep you and "Baby" in my prayers.
Laraine