My mind is so full of thoughts. Wonderings, fears, what ifs. So many thoughts running round - I feel like I can't get them out in a way that will make any sense.
I feel a pouring out of thoughts about to take place.
I think about deleting this whole thing in its babbling.
I decide to hope that you will understand my pondering thoughts chatter.
I walk carefully through the garden, the place I love so much...
The flower gardens are in front, the veggie gardens out back.
Stepping back into my life.
That is what first comes to mind.
I feel like I am stepping slowly back into my life after 5 days of a sort of strange and scary turmoil.
And, a whole bucket of unknowns as to what put me there.
Then I feel so scared.
Scared to eat this, or touch that.
Scared that something is biting me in my sleep.
Scared to go near tomato vines or parsley.
Blaming the tomato vines.
Blaming the tomatoes a whole lot.
Remembering that I had itchy hives on my arms last year (for about an hour) after being deep in the tomatoes and parsley.
This year I had practically rolled in the tomato vines the day this all began.
It was 104 degrees, and I had worked in the garden for 6 hours.
Oh, so many beautiful tomato vines I grew.
Starting them inside in winter.
Scared yesterday when I read about their toxicity in leaves and stems, wondering why I never knew?
Not knowing what to do about the veggie garden in case it was the tomatoes.
Feeling guilty for accusing them.
Mister Lovee taking over the garden chores for me for a few days.
Finding his way in my veggie jungle.
Me watching from my bedroom window.
Scared to be as free as I was.
I create analogies in my mind...
Such as, trying to swim in a dark ocean after being bitten by a shark.
Getting back in the water, so to speak.
How do you get back in?
I feel safer in the front yard with the flowers.
But, dun dun dun, what if it was one of them?
Who was the culprit I wonder?
Who can I trust?
These are the thoughts plaguing me right now.
I felt so much better yesterday, finished up orders...
And then 3 a.m. last night, hives again.
I sat up worried about everything.
I took a new hive pill and waited in the darkness for it to kick in.
So happy I figured out that the Benadryl was making me worse.
Doesn't night time seem like a more worrisome time?
I wondered how many people were feeling like I was feeling?
Not just about having had a scary health thing...
But worrying about other things.
The steroids I am on (to keep the anaphylactic shock at bay) made me feel so sad yesterday.
They are said to do that.
And I thought, is this what depression feels like?
A heavy dark cloud?
A dense darkness in the pit of my being?
I had not felt like that since I was 19 or 20.
I thought, yes, this is what depression feels like.
I was glad it subsided as the pills faded for the day.
But I felt a vast overwhelming feeling, for anyone dealing with that on a daily basis.
That kind of sadness.
I am so glad to be done with those pills in 3 days.
I had collected so many pictures to share in different posts.
Then almost a week went by, or maybe more?
So now, I chose just a bevy of those that made me happy.
When things like this happen you realize how fragile life is.
How we truly have no control.
How one minute things can change in ways we could not imagine.
And then, they can get fixed too.
The words, living in the moment, become less of an everyday saying and more of a monumental reality - a sort of truth or fact that seems bigger than can be understood.
I get lighter.
Heavy thoughts subside....
I tell myself it will all be over soon.
I can't find a hive on me.
I hope they are gone.
I devour your words, sending gobs of love back.
Feeling like I know you.
And you know me.
In some deeper and kinder and more understanding way, than the everyday.
Does that even make sense?
I don't want to be afraid of my garden.
I have adored sharing baskets of goodies with everyone I can...
The wonderful satisfaction of pulling big carrots out of the earth.
The sound they make as they plop out of the soil.
Schhhllloooop, followed by the sound of the click of the tongue on the palate.
Giant and plentiful cabbages...
Enough for everyone I know who likes them, to have many each week.
Eating what you grow....
Sending bits and bobs home with sis too.
Herbs pouring in...
The basil, the dill, flat leaf parsley, thyme, and more...
The strawberries and beans and all sorts of onions and beets and cucumbers and 4 types of lettuce, and all sorts of peppers too...
Corn and sunflowers, other flowers too.
Companion planting, planning, and then the growing.
Getting up at 5 a.m. to tend.
Feeling gloriously happy.
And oh, so many tomato vines...
And the pumpkin patch.
Just like that...
I feel overwhelmed.
Because I feel afraid.
Afraid of my own garden.
And, I don't want to feel afraid.
But I never want to experience Saturday night's events again.
So, what to do?
What to do, I ponder.
What is the saying?
The greatest thing to fear is fear itself?
Boy, is that ever true?
A glimpse of Miles and Minnie make me feel better.
Big deep breaths........
I kept a measure of sanity through this because of shop orders.
Something to do, to keep your mind at bay.
I filled orders, so happy and grateful to send art out.
Making sure everyone got what they wanted, with extras too....
Thank you so much.
(all orders have been shipped)
I feel happy and lucky to know you.
To have this space where we can meet.
I look outside my office door.
I smile at the hollyhocks, and then I wonder...
Was it you?
I feel strange and odd in my own world.
I guess I have to just get over it.
Grow some wings quick.
Or maybe, not so quick.
Maybe I should just stay inside and paint.
The flower garden has really been something this season...
Breathtaking in its magic.
The magic of seeds.
Larkspur and mountain garland, godetia and well, every wildflower that was labeled on the giant fall planting package from American Meadows...
I love my garden so much.
In some strange fairy tale way I wonder, if I loved it too much?
Then I think, no silly.
Don't be all melodramatic.
You had an allergic reaction that was way scary, but you are getting better, it will go away soon.
And then, on with life as it was.
Fingers crossed it never happens again.
Then I tell myself, chin up, move on, hop to it.
Then I spot a hive or two or three, or more.
And then I feel sad and scared again.
I guess it's normal, to feel this way?
At this moment?
The unknown doesn't help, does it?
Not having your health, either physically or mentally is scary and exhausting and dark and strange.
And I just want to say that, deep in my heart, I know there are lots of people who are not in the best place in health or mind, and I feel for you. I really really deeply feel for you.
And I get it.
I don't know what the solution is.
Except for hope and faith....
And a hug.
Maybe popcorn and laughter too.
Maybe just knowing, you are there and I am here.
Right now, with you.