Do you learn and change from everything that happens to you? Good and bad, simple and complicated? Do you reflect & immerse yourself, or do you cooly move on? So many questions before I even say...
I am throwing a lovely sunny, warm-morning tea party. Let's enjoy ourselves and chat, shall we? Okay then...
Often, while driving in my car, down the highway, the Santa Catalina Mountains, beautiful and hovering, I think about how I am constantly learning and growing. Changing, and reflecting.
I don't like complications in my life. I don't like ill will. I don't like grudges and negativity. Does anyone? I live in my own little world. I protect my heart and myself. I learned in my late teens, how I don't like to feel and situations I don't want to be in. I went through all the waves of angst and such. It took many years in my twenties to master avoiding such spaces (not fully mastered yet, but worlds better).
You know those spaces right? Such as, not being respected by someone you give your heart to. Or, having mean friends who fill your head with gunk. Who want to see you fail. Who are never happy for you. Ugh, I think most of us have felt some of that in some way. So, hopefully, you learn to see the signs, and remove such things from your life.
Sometimes, you have to get burned, many many times, to find your way. I know I have. And, probably still will. Only now, I will detect it sooner and move away from it...
I have also learned though, the sweetness of life is not what I thought it was. The sweetness of life is all around us, at every moment. It is not miles away, at some place we have to strive to get to, through jobs and money, through relationships and places.
It sits safe and sound, within our hearts. In our little souls. Waiting for us to see it. To feel it. To grasp our own slices of it. It even sits in precious memories, ones from the past and ones to be made...
Where am I going with this? Well, I tell ya, just when I least expect, I keep learning and growing. Lessons a plenty. I think the biggest lesson in my life now, after love and a sense of inner peace, is letting go & loss.
I am not good with those things, as I am sure most of us are not. Loss of the ones I love (the most difficult), loss of material possessions, loss of control...
Over the years, I have been forced, kicking and screaming, to lose control. Control of what? Control of life. Control of random things that happen (like computers and bursting water pipes). There are just some things you can't control. And, you know what? There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. And better yet, it is okay. And, there will be some way to resolve any matter. Maybe not how you wanted it to go, but still, some way...
Now, you might not understand my issue with the loss of control thing. Not to the extent I am describing. You see, I am the oldest child, raised from day one, to speak up, speak loud. Be assertive, be strong. Be in control of your surroundings. Make your path, make your own destiny. And, I will say, all of that is great, but I think I took it too seriously. In my mostly, type A personality way. If you know what I mean?
What type personality are you?
You know, the fact of the matter is, you really are not in control of anything. Even though you think you are. And, things happen, there are hiccups, and there is nothing you can do to prevent some of them. But, most importantly, it is okay. Things can be remedied. And, even though, you have to react to things at first, which may be BY kicking and screaming in a grocery store parking lot ;) You have to take a deep breath afterwards. And, as Mombie says, compartmentalize.
I am "learning" to take deep breaths. To walk away from things and come back to them later. I am not very good at that. I want immediate results, I want things to begin the resolving process "immediately if not sooner" (I got that from my dad).
I put myself on unnecessary schedules. I am my own dictator regime. Yet over the last couple of years, I have been letting up. And you know what? It feels sooooo good.
Last March I took somewhat of a break from my very own dictatorship and hectic business life. It has been an amazing year. And, the little curve balls thrown my way are helping me. They truly are. Annoying as they may be, they are creating a patience in me I never had. Ever.
And, they are making me love life even more. I love sitting outside, sipping tea or coffee, feeling the breeze on my face, closing my eyes. And tapping into the swell of memories and thoughts in my heart. I shed happy tears, and sometimes nostalgic ones.
And, you know what, everything is just fine... I feel the butterflies fluttering in me, when I think of how lucky I am, to be living here, safe and sound, and a free person. Compared to everything happening all over the world that is bad, nothing is wrong... Nothing.
This afternoon, I was listening to NPR, and this show came on. Try to listen to it if you can, it was good. It touched me just at that moment. You know how that can happen sometimes?
The song they played (does it bring up any memories in you?), reminded me of being at the carnival as a young young girl, with my Aunt Denise and her friends. It also reminded me of my uncles with their huge frizzy 1970's hair. It reminded me of being at the river on Easter as a young kid. With my uncles, aunts, cousins and parents. Listening to 60's and 70's music. Lots of music, all the time. And lots of music talk. They would sit around, reflecting, chatting. Us kids (me and my cousins) would be pretending we were mermaids in the river water. Having the time of our lives. Eating watermelon...
Life was less complicated... Or so it seems, as I relive the moments in some of my heart of hearts most beloved childhood memories.
My siblings and I grew up in totally different worlds. Technology had not taken over back then. It was barely creeping in. And, today, the river of my childhood memories has been condemned as being polluted. I shake my head in disbelief...
Those times were so good... They remind me of how I had no cares in the world.
Things were fresh and alive. But wait, they still are. Only different... It is all a matter of perception. I am sure, I will reflect on today in 25 years, with the same love and nostalgia... And, I will probably still be learning...
But for now, I remind myself and remind you, that you are wonderful. You have the sweetness of life inside of you. Noone can take that away, unless you willingly give it up...
We should say... I affirm, that I will paint my world with color. I will continue to create. I will take deep breaths...
I will love and cherish, and take care of me. I am the only person on earth, who can make that promise to me, and mean it...
There you have it. Lots of thoughts... On this sunny bright warm day...
See you soon!! Love, V
(I am profoundly thankful for having exceptional parents who swoop in and are there for me for anything, like angels, without me even having to ask. Amazing. Mombie reads this, so thank you more than words can express, for the tremendous love, Mom and Dad.)
