Yesterday was an intense day. It was oh so hot. I awoke at 6 a.m. to package parcels, get them to the post, and get into town to help with a strenuous outdoor project. Outdoors in Arizona heat is unreal.
Fall winter and spring in the desert are beyond glorious. But if you are not careful, summer days can zap the life right out of you. Working in the thick of it bakes your brains, body and soul. I would even go so far as to say, you forget who you are, or where you came from. A heat daze...
Who am I again?
At 7 p.m. I made my trek back to the country. Dropping off dinner to Mister Lovee at the office to get him through a late night's work.
I was beyond exhausted.
I arrived to the country house and walked over to my gypsy wagon. All of a sudden, I got a huge jolt of energy. Which led me to take everything out of one of our sheds in search of a little retro sofa I have. I became bound and determined to see how it would fit in the wagon...
Into the dusty wagon I went, using all the last of my energy to pull my little sofa in. I lit my candles, and threw a blanket over the sofa...
It was so dark.
It was dark and hot. But cozy at the same time. I felt like I was in a cocoon. I wanted to be sad. Little changes here and there in my life, saying goodbye to people I love. Too much to do, too much to clean, too much of everything for one elf to handle...
I wanted to think of all the things that are overwhelming about my life as I sat in the dark in my wagon.
But I couldn't.
It's not in me to mope. I can try, but it comes off as part of what Mister calls my "comedy show."
I kept thinking about what my friend's son said before he passed away from cancer over a year ago, at age 34. He handled his life changes and pain so admirably. He always used to say, "you have to be alive, to be inconvenienced..."
I realized as I lost myself in the flickering candle, that I think about his words almost everyday.
About how things could be worse. About, how I am beyond happy that I am healthy and able to do and deal with all the things I abhor. (like mopping, vacuuming, taxes/paperwork, the phone company, mean people, love shack repairs, in city house responsibilities, change)
Then, just like that, I can't be depressed or sad or annoyed...
I take it day by day, minute by minute, little steps and things get done...
I listen to my beliefs, their guidance. I take messages from mother nature. I fiercely protect my heart, mind and soul.
I think my greatest downfall, while I was growing up, was letting other people's opinions and mean words about me and my life affect me. It was never my family who hurt me, but friends, school mates, co-workers and strangers...
I wish I knew then what I know now. Don't we all feel that way?
Part of my self protection comes in the form of me repeating to myself, as if talking to another person, "You have no say in my life, how I live it, or what I do. My life is mine..."
I was already a dark tortured artiste type in my twenties, I'm over it. I guess I got it out of my system ;)
Anyhow, I was thinking bits and pieces of these things last night, while I sat in my gypsy wagon.
I looked out into the night, and I noticed that the mountains had a vast glow behind them. Then, just like that, Mother Nature came in with a message as the moon emerged over the mountains...
The words, You are just where you need to be and everything is lovely, swirled all around me, and I was drenched in moonbeam glow...
Believe in a path, believe in your path... and I do. I always have. I hold on tight...
In my twenties, all I wanted was to find peace of mind. And, the only place I could find it was in art. It was truly the only option for me.
I couldn't even think about what some of my friends were thinking about. Kids and a family and a husband. I was still trying to figure out how I was going to make it through the complexities of my mind... (plus I was much better at being a pseudo auntie ~ you know, cake for breakfast and 3 hour long baths with too many bubbles and snorkels - those sort of things I can handle)
I had to immerse every bit of my soul in paint. I used to say that my paintings were all my emotions, poured out onto canvas...
The point is. Taking my life back in my late twenties by not unknowingly doling out little pieces of myself for people to kick around, and learning to shelter my heart and soul, has been invaluable to me. I wish I had learned that sooner. Mammie always told me to do so, of course, I had to find out for myself ;)
It also took coming to the country 10 years ago and realizing that scrounging flowers to put in a glass jar, and using an old tattered fabric for an impromptu dinner under the stars with Mister Lovee was more beautiful than anything I had ever experienced. I found myself in a place where the fun in making something out of nature's offerings was incredibly fulfilling.
And so, I think he knows that taking weathered little treasures and making them whatever you want, is food for the soul. It was food for my soul.
With the moon peering onto me and my wee wagon, I found myself with another tattered treasure to work on, which would in turn, continue to nourish me. And so the journey begins for me and my wee wagon...
On a hot sweltering night -
My soul is peaceful and I revel in simple complexities, like spider webs and tree leaves and of course, moonbeam glow.
I admire tin cans lighting the rusty old ceiling...
And in this new-found gypsy wagon nook, the juggler of a wacky life rests, as her furry friend sleeps on, protected by the man in the moon...
Tired and disheveled and fulfilled she creeps to the house in the dark, her ribbon lost to a branch...
And, the next day, her life starts with grand force, by giving the red wooden creature a bath. Meanwhile, the phone rings off the hook, and the real world tugs tugs tugs...
She ignores it all, if only for an hour or two. Then with palpable peace of mind, she grabs her shiny red balls, and starts her juggling act all over again.
♥,V
ps: Thank you for being there to read my words. To share your thoughts. They propel me to continue sharing. Goodness, how I value you. And if from time to time I drop a ball - for instance if I don't say hello as often as I should or respond quite quickly to an e-mail, it's that I might not be juggling very well. So, please don't ever feel ignored or slighted by me. Know that, that is never my intention. Love, V
pss: If you want to faint from sheer bliss, go here. And, if you want to be super inspired, go here...
psss: As Miss lovely Karen just reminded me, Jeanne Bayol with fill you with so much beauty and temptation, you won't know what to do with yourself ;) Go here to visit serious magical wonderment...
