There is this raw place that lives inside of us, where when bad things happen in our lives, we wonder if the good will ever come again. It is a place where you wish and long and pray for the good to find you again. I felt that way when Mister Lovee had his horrible car accident a few years ago, and I felt that way when Baby died.
I longed for that fulfilled heart love feeling.
The feeling that everything is good, and everything is okay.
I was thinking about that last night, whilst in my bed with the boys...
If I try to grasp at memories of how I see snippets of things happening in my life - some of them sort of look like this...
When Baby was alive, and it was her and Mister Lovee and me, everything felt perfect for about 8 years. So many lovely memories made.
Then we got Matty, and it was fun having a boy puppy in our lives.
It was bliss.
Baby and him played and bonded for 8 months.
Then Baby got sick.
The first time I saw her nose bleeding I knew it was bad.
I fell to my knees and sobbed with pains in my heart I never knew could exist.
The day we lost her was the saddest day of my life to date.
After she died, she was so beautiful.
She looked like she was simply sleeping.
I hugged her in the garden until Mister Lovee said it was time.
The sunset was unreal that day.
Pink and violet.
We had a beautiful funeral procession.
Then, the pain and agony of loss sets in.
You wake up the morning after.
For about 20 seconds you are groggy.
Then you remember that you are beyond sad, and that there has been a great loss.
And you sob.
Your heart literally aches and hurts and throbs with pain.
It takes ages for the pain to subside even a little.
Over time, your heavy heart starts telling you that maybe you should allow new life in.
(oops, I can see I am veering big time from what I had intended to say today)
I cried for Baby everyday for about 6 months.
(I still cry for her from time to time)
Matty and I bonded extra much during that time.
Then, as you know, we adopted our Golden Retriever, Miles.
That was one year and one month ago (plus a few days).
He was 5 weeks old.
Matty accepted him right away.
And, we began a new journey.
Big happy sigh.
He has given us more than we could have ever hoped for.
Ever.
Each one of us, Lovee, Matty and me are so grateful for Miles.
And so....
Last night, with Miles in my bed recovering (tale to come), I felt so beyond thankful.
Because, I fully realize that, we have been given another chance (Mister and I) to feel like life is grand, with the love of our two pups.
Just the way we felt when it was him and Baby and me.
Now it is...
Different.
But, wonderful too.
Good and happy and fulfilled in the heart again.
Isn't it amazing?
That you can have that chance again?
Animals give you so much more than you could ever ask for.
Life can feel super skip to my Lou again.
And it does!
Sooooooooooooo.....
The tale I have to tell (of how I even got into all these thoughts) goes like this.
Our friend across the street, a rottweiler named Harley, came into our yard while I was checking my mail yesterday afternoon. He had kicked Matty's tooshie a few weeks ago, and went after him again yesterday.
But then, Miles (who visits Harley and is friends with him) stepped in.
Poor Miles, he got his tooshie more than kicked by Harley.
He is fine, just some cuts here and there, mostly behind and inside his right ear.
But the brawl was scary awful.
My mind was going crazy, I thought, Harley is going to kill Miles.
We finally got Harley off of Miles, after several minutes.
And Miles, looking all battered and slimy and muddy runs outside of our gate to Harley, who is being taken away by his Mama.
Miles then proceeds to lick Harley's face, and whimper at him, like asking "Why did you beat me up? I am your friend...."
(by the way, if you want to make cloud print towels, take some teal or light blue towels and pop them in the washer with bleach and hot water. I made 4 cloud print towels that way)
Miles was totally fine except for some cuts here and there.
But he was shaken, so we jumped into the warm shower, and then dried him off and gave him a cool blow dry.
It was 6:30 p.m. when we were done, and Miles jumped onto my bed, all clean and dry and fluffy and oh so soft. Indescribably soft he is.
I belly rubbed him, and he was feeling like he wanted lots of Mama love.
Lovee got home and we told him the story.
Then all 3 boys and me cuddled.
Miles then rolled on his back, his usual position, and made that face that I never manage to get on film, until last night...
Sleeping, teeth showing, on his back.
His every night position since he was a baby...
He would twitch and cry in his sleep.
And I wondered, do dogs dream?
Either way, I hugged him and told him he was safe.
Every so often while sleeping, he holds his arm in the air for about 30 minutes...
I let him have almost the entire bed last night.
He slept from 6:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. the next morning, without stirring.
Just snoring on his back, cozy and safe.
He normally only visits my bed at night, but this time, he stayed put.
And of course, I had Matty tucked into my right side, as always.
My little warrior.
He is outside barking at everyone on the street while I am typing.
He feels it is his job :)
Anyhow----
I guess my point is that -
Last night, quiet and cozy with the pups made me realize that, I have been given a second chance to love again, and feel fulfilled again with my two boys.
And, I also realize that, if I ever lose them (can't imagine that), I now know that there is more fur love to be found when the heart is open and ready.
Different.
But wonderful too.
That is the amazing thing.
So many cats and pups and all sorts of creatures out there, wanting to be loved and love back.
So much love.
The best love I have ever known.
This morning Miles was back to his tough and stoic self...
He ran out for the paper, down the driveway and back, as fast as he could. Adding that memory to our lives.
One day we will say, "we once had a dog that would get the paper every morning without fail..."
I thought to myself, how after Baby died, I wished with all my soul, that I could have just 5 more minutes with her.
So, I took that as a lesson.
I got on my knees and hugged my boys until they squirmed away.
Then I captured them and hugged them some more.
(Even though I hug them 5,000 times a day)
I thought....
These are those five minutes I will long for one day.
And, I am not taking them for granted.
And so, I devoured those 5 minutes.
With thoughts of luck and love.
Oh, the grand abundance of furry love...
Love, Vanessa
(Matty is standing on my left side, licking my cheek, telling me it is time to go)
Wow, that was a wordy post.
:)
ps: I have also been thinking about a lot of these things because, my neighbor down the street's beloved long time companion (a German Shepherd girl) died last week. I wrote her a card with Baby's face on it - and because of you all, I sent her the Ranbow Bridge poem, which brought her to tears.
I don't think I ever said thank you to those of you who shared the Rainbow Bridge story with me. Thank you so so much. I think about it all the time...
pss: This is one of those posts where I think, "should I just delete this whole thing?" what babble :)
psss: I just HAVE to end this post with snoopy ;)
I sat and watched this and just laughed and smiled and laughed!
pssss: Flask back memory -
When we were little, and my (our) dad would be looking for my sister, he would call out Peppermint Lou Lou, where is youuuuu??? Which of course wasn't a proper peanuts girl name. I love that memory! I can see him now going down the very long hallway calling out Peppermint Louuu Louuuu...
