A Fanciful Twist

So Many Thoughts...

My mind is so full of thoughts.  Wonderings, fears, what ifs.  So many thoughts running round - I feel like I can't get them out in a way that will make any sense.

I feel a pouring out of thoughts about to take place.

I think about deleting this whole thing in its babbling.

I decide to hope that you will understand my pondering thoughts chatter.

I walk carefully through the garden, the place I love so much...

The flower gardens are in front, the veggie gardens out back.

Stepping back into my life.

That is what first comes to mind.

I feel like I am stepping slowly back into my life after 5 days of a sort of strange and scary turmoil.

And, a whole bucket of unknowns as to what put me there.

Then I feel so scared.

Scared to eat this, or touch that.

Scared that something is biting me in my sleep.

Scared to go near tomato vines or parsley.

Blaming the tomato vines.

Blaming the tomatoes a whole lot.

Remembering that I had itchy hives on my arms last year (for about an hour) after being deep in the tomatoes and parsley.

This year I had practically rolled in the tomato vines the day this all began.

It was 104 degrees, and I had worked in the garden for 6 hours.

Oh, so many beautiful tomato vines I grew.

The scent.

Bewitching.

Starting them inside in winter.

Loving them.

Then...

Scared yesterday when I read about their toxicity in leaves and stems, wondering why I never knew?

Not knowing what to do about the veggie garden in case it was the tomatoes.

Feeling guilty for accusing them.

Mister Lovee taking over the garden chores for me for a few days.

Finding his way in my veggie jungle.

Me watching from my bedroom window.

Scared to be as free as I was.

I create analogies in my mind...

Such as, trying to swim in a dark ocean after being bitten by a shark.

Getting back in the water, so to speak.

How do you get back in?

I feel safer in the front yard with the flowers.

But, dun dun dun, what if it was one of them?

Who was the culprit I wonder?

Who can I trust?

These are the thoughts plaguing me right now.

I felt so much better yesterday, finished up orders...

And then 3 a.m. last night, hives again.

Sigh....

I sat up worried about everything.

I took a new hive pill and waited in the darkness for it to kick in.

So happy I figured out that the Benadryl was making me worse.

Doesn't night time seem like a more worrisome time?

I wondered how many people were feeling like I was feeling?

Not just about having had a scary health thing...

But worrying about other things.

The steroids I am on (to keep the anaphylactic shock at bay) made me feel so sad yesterday.

They are said to do that.

And I thought, is this what depression feels like?

A heavy dark cloud?

A dense darkness in the pit of my being?

I had not felt like that since I was 19 or 20.

I thought, yes, this is what depression feels like.

A drowning.

I was glad it subsided as the pills faded for the day.

But I felt a vast overwhelming feeling, for anyone dealing with that on a daily basis.

That kind of sadness.

I am so glad to be done with those pills in 3 days.

I had collected so many pictures to share in different posts.

Then almost a week went by, or maybe more?

So now, I chose just a bevy of those that made me happy.

When things like this happen you realize how fragile life is.

How we truly have no control.

How one minute things can change in ways we could not imagine.

And then, they can get fixed too.

The words, living in the moment, become less of an everyday saying and more of a monumental reality - a sort of truth or fact that seems bigger than can be understood.

A need.

And then....

I get lighter.

Happy again.

Heavy thoughts subside....

I tell myself it will all be over soon.

I can't find a hive on me.

I hope they are gone.

I devour your words, sending gobs of love back.

Feeling like I know you.

And you know me.

In some deeper and kinder and more understanding way, than the everyday.

Does that even make sense?

I don't want to be afraid of my garden.

I have adored sharing baskets of goodies with everyone I can...

The wonderful satisfaction of pulling big carrots out of the earth.

The sound they make as they plop out of the soil.

Schhhllloooop, followed by the sound of the click of the tongue on the palate.

Giant and plentiful cabbages...

Enough for everyone I know who likes them, to have many each week.

Cabbage rolls...

Eating what you grow....

Without fear.

Sending bits and bobs home with sis too.

Herbs pouring in...

The basil, the dill, flat leaf parsley, thyme, and more...

The strawberries and beans and all sorts of onions and beets and cucumbers and 4 types of lettuce, and all sorts of peppers too...

Corn and sunflowers, other flowers too.

Companion planting, planning, and then the growing.

Getting up at 5 a.m. to tend.

Feeling gloriously happy.

Happiness abound...

And oh, so many tomato vines...

And the pumpkin patch.

And then...

Just like that...

I feel overwhelmed.

Because I feel afraid.

Afraid of my own garden.

And, I don't want to feel afraid.

But I never want to experience Saturday night's events again.

So, what to do?

What to do, I ponder.

What is the saying?

The greatest thing to fear is fear itself?

Boy, is that ever true?

A glimpse of Miles and Minnie make me feel better.

Big deep breaths........

I kept a measure of sanity through this because of shop orders.

Something to do, to keep your mind at bay.

I filled orders, so happy and grateful to send art out.

Making sure everyone got what they wanted, with extras too....

Thank you so much.

(all orders have been shipped)

I feel happy and lucky to know you.

To have this space where we can meet.

I look outside my office door.

I smile at the hollyhocks, and then I wonder...

Was it you?

I feel strange and odd in my own world.

I guess I have to just get over it.

Somehow.

Grow some wings quick.

Or maybe, not so quick.

Maybe I should just stay inside and paint.

The flower garden has really been something this season...

Breathtaking in its magic.

The magic of seeds.

Larkspur and mountain garland, godetia and well, every wildflower that was labeled on the giant fall planting package from American Meadows...

I love my garden so much.

In some strange fairy tale way I wonder, if I loved it too much?

Then I think, no silly.

Don't be all melodramatic.

You had an allergic reaction that was way scary, but you are getting better,  it will go away soon.

Hopefully.

And then, on with life as it was.

Fingers crossed it never happens again.

Then I tell myself, chin up, move on, hop to it.

Then I spot a hive or two or three, or more.

And then I feel sad and scared again.

I guess it's normal, to feel this way?

At this moment?

The unknown doesn't help, does it?

Not having your health, either physically or mentally is scary and exhausting and dark and strange.

And I just want to say that, deep in my heart, I know there are lots of people who are not in the best place in health or mind, and I feel for you.  I really really deeply feel for you.

And I get it.

I do.

I don't know what the solution is.

Except for hope and faith....

And a hug.

Maybe popcorn and laughter too.

Maybe just knowing, you are there and I am here.

Right now, with you. 

 

♥

Hello there + A Scary Allergic Reaction Tale

Hi there, I am just popping in ever so quickly....

Matty is doing great, and almost back to normal.

(Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts for my little monster)

 

Some really scary things have happened around here in the last few days.

I was in the hospital twice.

Many of you know I never go to doctors.

Ever.

And, for me to go the hospital has to be a matter of life and death...

I think I was 5 years old the last time I had to be a patient in a hospital.

 

We are almost done with shop orders, Mister is helping me, and they are almost set to leave here.

So, please don't worry.

They are on their way without a hitch.

(ps:  All orders have been shipped, yay!)

 

I really wanted to pop in and share what has been going on.

You see...

I had a scary allergic reaction to something...

 

I started feeling a bit itchy on Thursday, and I thought I had some funny bites on me here and there.

By Friday I had hives all over my torso, but they subsided Saturday morning.

My sis came over Saturday, I felt fine, but little by little the hives came back.

By Saturday evening they had exploded all over my body.

All of a sudden...

I could not breathe, I could not communicate.

I could not think.

Everything was black and white, I couldn't see in color.

I kept blinking trying to see in color.

I didn't know who I was or what was happening.

I was shaking madly, throwing up and I was rushed to the hospital Saturday night.

Through total fogginess of my brain, in the car I pulled out every bit of what I had to pray and pray and beg to not die.

Everything seemed soooo foggy and unclear, and through my body shaking madly all I could say was please God, please God, please God, please.

I was so scared.

I felt like my life was slipping out from under me, not being able to breathe.

And...

I thought I was going to die.

I truly did.

It was so scary.

The car ride to emergency felt so long.

I remember thinking, what is happening to me?

What is happening to me?

I was shaking uncontrollably, and heaving for breath.

When I got into the hospital I could hardly communicate anything.

I was babbling this and that.

It was like a total out of body experience.

I was having anaphylactic shock, and my throat was closing in.

What was happening is that -

 

I was having an allergic reaction to something.

 

They filled me up with meds at the hospital and got me out of the scary anaphylactic shock phase.  I felt better after a few hours, and went home.

 I was sent home with meds, steroids to keep me from going into anaphylactic shock again, and an EpiPen, just in case.

 

I have no idea what caused this.

 

A bug bite, something I ate?

Who knows.

I can't figure it out.

 

Sunday morning I felt great, all hives were gone, and my parents came to visit.

I didn't have a hive on me.

I went to bed at 8:30 p.m..

At 11:00 p.m. or so last night, I woke up unable to breathe again, shaking, and throwing up, with new hives.

Mister Lovee drove me back to the hospital.

They gave me more meds to reduce the hives etc.

I was shaking like a leaf, so weird.

Basically, whatever caused this allergy has to work its way out says the doc.

It could take a week or two, or mere days.

At some points I am so itchy from the hives, I could scream.

I have never felt so low, or so gripped by something so awful.

When it gets bad, I feel out of control and constantly itchy in the center of my being, to the outside.

It's almost like going totally crazy.

At some points huge 5 inch hives cover me, itching all over inside and out.

Even my organs itch and hurt.

Then it subsides.

Then it returns.

Then it subsides again.

I keep trying to think about what I ate that could have caused this?

I did eat a couple things out of the ordinary.

What did I do, what was different?

I did see some strange bites on me when it all began.

And, I was deep in the parsley and tomatoes trying to stand it all up, as it was so tall.

I also was washing 2 kinds of bugs off of sunflower leaves one by one with dish-soap.

Who knows?

It is a total mystery to me.

It could have been anything.

 

Have you ever had an allergic reaction as such?

How long did it last?

Did you find out what it was?

How?

I am on a bland diet now, just in case.

Today started out not so good, and has gotten to be a better day so far.

I was switched off of Benadryl last night to reduce the itchiness, as I found it exacerbating the issue.

 The new ant-itch meds have helped greatly.

I got 5 hours of sleep today after taking the new meds, finally, some rest.

I think the Benadryl was making me worse.

 

At this very second all the hives I had this morning are gone.

But they come and go.

All I can do is hope for the best right now.

I have my steroids, my pills to reduce the hives and my EpiPens in case of an emergency.

The Doc said I will get allergic hives off and on until this thing runs its course.

The doctor looked at Mister Lovee last night and said, you have to know she is suffering.

Boy am I ever.

BUT,

I hope and pray to be back to normal soon.

So soon, I hope and hope and pray. 

 

This is just an allergic reaction my body is having to something I ate, or something that bit me.

 

All parcels will leave here in a couple of days.

(All parcels have left the building)

I promise.

 

I guess my tale wasn't so quick :)

 

Love, Vanessa

 

 ♥

 

Little Matty

You guys!!!  What amazing kindred spirits you are.  Just loooooved your positive vibes in that last post.  I wish I could throw you a real life party, wouldn't that be fun?  Hmmm, maybe, one day?  Imagine?  It would be insane!

On another note, in our little world I have been a worry wart puppy mama to Matty.  He has not been feeling good since Friday, and worrying me to pieces.  Today was his vet visit.  He was put to sleep (yikes), and all sorts of tests were done, plus little scrapings taken of his poor eyebrow skin.

We have to wait for results and more tests to come.

He is now resting with his little big brother Miles, who keeps licking him and loving on him.  Although Matty sometimes makes the scary face and goes grrrrrr, he mostly loves his little big brother.

Especially for playing + chasing and wrestling with.

Oh, and for napping with too.

Snuggle snuggle.

(Matty is brown, Miles is Beige)

We got up so very early to spend our whole morning with the vet.

It is so hard when you are dealing with furs, because they can't tell you what is wrong.  The guess work is so overwhelming and belly anxiety inducing, ain't it?

Here's to getting Matty all fixed up ♥

My boys are always so healthy, and I just don't like seeing them not feeling good.

Gotta get our little warrior back up to 100%

He keeps us all safe, we love him so.

Love, V

 

 

 

 ps:  Matty Update....

Matty seems to be doing a little better, responding to his medications, and we are waiting for all the results to narrow out a few things.  I think, I hope, he'll be all cured soon if all works out :)

 

pss:  Grab bag winner from last post is...........

Lucky number 27 chosen by random number generator.

Lovely Dena Miller! YAY!

A Doll Party & Thoughts ♥

Today is a very special day.  A day for a doll party.  A day for thinking about what we love, what we believe in.  A day for reminding ourselves who we are, and what we mean to ourselves...

(wowe, that's heavy, haha!)

The girls have gathered to celebrate Alienore's birthday over at Papillon Bleu UK.

They decided to close shop early and cut out a flag banner, hanging it just for the special occasion.

They even sat outside of the Patisserie early this morning...

Waiting to purchase the most perfect cake for Alienore.

Truth be told, when I heard about a party for a doll, I knew I had to join in.

Mainly because, I wanted to jump back into that kind of magic place.  And Papillon Bleu is just the spot for mini worlds of delightment!

(She once made a mini Vanessa as a birthday gift.  That was so funny & sweet!!)

I needed to remind myself about that place of fun and childlike abandon nestled deep in the imagination.

It's easy isn't it?  To get swept up by life.

To forget about all the things we believe in.

Have you ever been bouncing off clouds, doing all the things you love, and then have someone ask you why?

Why are you doing this?

What is your point?

Why are you wasting your time?

I have.

I bet at some point you have too?

Minding your own business, happy as can be and then POP, someone or something just comes over and bursts your happy bubble?

Sometimes it's just life that kicks you, tarnishing the glow.

But, the question is...

How do you get it back?

How do you stay strong?

How do you crawl out of that place that makes you feel rotten, and makes you question everything you believe in and everything that you are?

Mister Lovee and I were talking about this the other day.

About being true to you.

How do you stay true?

It's not always so easy is it?

I think it comes down to a golden thread.

A tiny thread of youness, that you hold onto no matter what -

That makes you say, I love my life as it is.

I love the things I love, I believe in whimsy and magic!

My belief in what I believe in, has to be good enough for me.

And me alone.

We have to say to ourselves...

I can't live the life someone else wants me to live.

I can only live what is authentic to me.

Standing up for our own little selves, inside of our own brains can be so hard.

But somehow, we have to have the strength to do it.

We just have to.

And so, I felt it was high time I jumped into a doll party.

I searched every dollhouse on our parcel of earth for these girls, which I had made a few years back.

I was so happy when I found them.

I promptly dusted their dresses.

They reminded me of  a few years ago, when I started blogging.

It was so exciting to find this place!

The blogosphere, so full of sharing dreams and goodness overflowing.

Sharing what we believe in, sharing magic really, truly.

In some ways it has changed a tiny but.

Life is busy.

It is sad to seem some go.

But then -

Some come back.

And some of us, are still here.

I am so glad to be here, and I thank you for being here too.

It inspires me to keep chatting and sharing, when you come here and visit with me, and say hello from time to time.

It's what keeps the flow going, you know what I mean?

I will always try to stay as true as I can to those beautiful imaginary worlds.

What about you?

They fill hearts up, don't they?

They fill our souls.

They do.

They welcome us.

Even when we close the door, all the creatures, stories, characters & tales -

they are still there, somewhere...

Waiting...

Waiting for a doll party for you, a doll party for me.

A day to say, oh, I almost forgot in what I believed!

The dolls reminded me yesterday, as I brought them out to play.

They reminded me to not lose sight of what I love.

What brings me joy.

And, to not ever let anyone rain on my parade.

Or, at least have an umbrella and a dry pair of clothes handy ;)

I have to remind myself of something I once typed, which was...

"No one can take away your childlike qualities, your love for fairy tales and dreams, unless of course you let them...."

Oh yes, I almost forgot, silly me!

Even if you do let a little slip away, you have the power to always get it back.

And that, that is the greatest gift of all, isn't it?

The gift to always find a way back to the land of believe...

What a gift!

A gift for you and me.

With that I shall say....

Happy Birthday Alienore!!

Have fun in Paris!!!

I have a giveaway grab bag of random tidbits, some even funny, as a party favor.  Just say howdy in comments and I shall choose a name in my next post ;)

Love, V