The journey back to that happy place...
I've been thinking about this.
Then I think, forget the journey itself, sometimes you have to wonder how to even being the journey?
Before I go on....
Let me be honest here.
Over the last week and a half, there have been some really intense freak out moments regarding "the scary thing."
I am working through lots of things in my mind, that my little foray into the unknown has brought me.
This includes replaying the event itself.
Throat closing in, hives all over my body, not being able to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and not being able to communicate because my brain feels trapped in confusion.
Then of course, I panic.
I am trying to work through it all and just move on, I am, talking about it helps so much.
Somehow, I know I am not alone in this.
In these feelings.
My thoughts lead me to think about others, maybe even you?
And where you might find yourself at this very moment.
I know so many people right now going through so many things.
Changes in their world.
Divorce, loss of loved ones, major life changes, health issues, or even finding themselves in that place in life where they feel plum lost.
Any matter of things life hands you, can leave you feeling like, "hey, where did the path go?"
Where am I?
Where do I go from here?
How do I get out of this?
For me, it comes down to my tools, a lot of self pep talks and prayers...
(Oh and, lots of talks with Mister Lovee and hugs with the furs)
The other day I felt so panic stricken, I finally bolted outside, and ran around the yard as fast as I could listening to this...
Never mind that I have not been running in eons.
Between gasping for breath and letting out some anxiety, I was sobbing.
Mostly because for the first time, I recognized my mortality?
Was that it?
I don't know.
But I ran and ran and ran.
And sobbed, and ran, and heaved for breath.
It felt so good.
So so so insanely good.
Then a huge gust of wind came and whipped around me.
I felt like, in the wind was a message.
Work hard, keep believing, don't give up on dreams.
Love yourself.
Be good to you.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Really live.
To the fullest.
What does really living entail?
I thought I knew already, but...
That wasn't in the message.
:)
I haven't the foggiest clue for certain, but I have my eyes open, just in case.
Paint at the ready.
For many uses it seems.
And so, I locked myself up in the studio.
Music, paint brushes, canvas, clay...
For some reason, when thinking about things in my life, my brain jumps to thinking about others.
And I feel this sort of deep compassion for people I don't even know.
I wonder, how do others cope with even grander things going on?
How do they find their own way back?
How do you?
The only thing I know is that, in the place where the depths of my imagination meets creating, there is a map back to myself.
I know it's in there tucked away.
Even if it gets lost in the suitcase lining.
It's there somewhere.
All I have to do is get out of my chair, and go get it.
But sometimes, that is that hardest step, isn't it?
The first step?
So, I force myself.
Each step brings me back to that familiar happy me place.
A place that is always there.
Even when I think it's missing or misplaced.
Lots of things happened to me earlier on in my life, which forced me to find myself.
I feel lucky, even though the things seemed hard at the time.
Lucky that I could piece some things together, an emergency kit if you will.
To help me back, when things get foggy.
Sometimes I have to bang on things on my way there.
Just to get my brain to open up, just so.
I guess, for a long time everything seemed perfect.
And it still does, in its own imperfect way.
But really, I had a wake up call.
Yes, that's what it was.
Over the last week, I have been telling my very hard head, that there was something to learn from it.
To be open, to let go.
To succumb.
The first time I heard this song I could not let go of this one line.
It has replayed itself in my mind, over and over and over.
It says,
"I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in."
Isn't that an amazing liberating thought?
I think, only with age have I been able to really understand the beauty in that.
It's incredible to me, how so much emphasis is put on being young, and staying young.
Being young is touted as being the end all be all.
Ya sure, you feel good, you look good.
But, when you are young, you know so little about certain things.
If you had told me that when I was 25, I would have thought you were mad.
I thought I knew it all.
But it is only as I get older, that I really see.
It's only with getting older that I really understand my youth, and live it.
It is only with passing years, that I have come to appreciate the now.
It's only today, that I have some form of tools, to help me find my way back to Wonderland.
If ever I get lost.
An ever changing place in my heart of hearts.
A place of everyone's own making.
In everyone's heart.
And so I ask, what do you do to stay in your happy place?
What are your tricks?
And, if you haven't made a map yet...
Are you thinking about it?
I'll tell you another secret.
There are people who I love who don't get what I do.
Who, might not even believe in it like I do.
Who think I am insane, and impractical.
It's soooo hard, I know, to try not to let that affect you.
But I repeat this to myself -
I can't live my life for anyone else.
I have to be true to me.
I HAVE to be true to me.
Some days I have to remind myself many times.
Luckily Mister Lovee and I are on the same page.
What would I do without him?
Wowe.
Was that too heavy for today?
;)
My brain runneth over with thoughts it seems.
Thank goodness for paint and paint brushes to keep me semi-sane.
And chats with you, for sure.
Love, V
ps: Early Sunday morning, black eyed susans and evening primrose...
