Wait, did someone say September?
I almost can not fathom how time flows by.
Thankfully, I have this green space which helps set the pace.
Because here it is still summer.
Hot scorching unbearable sun summer.
Which makes time and dates have altogether different meanings.
I even titled my photos with the wrong name when I saved them.
August.
Such a beautiful name isn't it?
How wonderful to be named after a month so romantic as that?
And so we bid adieu and march along to the month of flutter and flurry.
At least, that is how September makes me feel.
As though I could lose my breath.
Both from the excitement of autumn on the brain...
And for the distress of not wanting to lose a drop of these magical days.
My days are their own swirl of madness of sorts.
Good madness, but madness nonetheless.
Over the last couple of years there has been so much change in my life.
Initially life changed gradually, oh about 4 years ago.
And then, other characters stepped into the realm.
People, places, change.
Merging my city and country life all over again.
Back to the city.
Back to the people I once loved.
Lunch with besties and laughs with old love.
Who knew life would float about as such?
It's wonderful.
And yet amidst the change, everything stays the same.
The flowers bloom and need water and talking to & seasons tick by.
I am searching for balance.
I like to think that I have balance, that I've got everything under control.
I fight to believe that.
I've always been someone who knows what she wants and manages her life relatively well.
Or so I thought, haha!
It took me some hard months to realize...
You've got to just throw it all into the wind girl!
Let go.
Let life take you on this adventure it wants you to go on.
How can you fight against something you really want?
It's so odd isn't it?
We resist change without even knowing we are resisting.
Resisting something we actually want.
How funny is that?
What does life want for me you ask?
What is it that I resist?
This parcel of earth brought me the greatest joy I had ever known.
I came here in my 20's
I felt a void filled.
I void I filled with art and flowers and standing still in blissful peace.
I needed to stand still.
To stay within my magical realm, for a long time.
I quit my job at 30 and plunged into my art and my garden.
It was beyond words.
I needed that at the time.
I still need it.
I still love it.
It is still my sanctuary.
What I didn't know was that I needed other things too.
New adventures, people, places, moments.
So in 2015 I decided to meet up for tea with people I cared for long ago.
That I had known since I was 25.
The importance of filling my life with the people I love became crucial.
Somehow time has new meaning to me.
And I want to spend it laughing and clinking glasses and loving.
And then somehow, after realizing this & venturing out...
Your heart, life, the heavens - wants you to merge it all together.
Have it all.
Have a sanctuary, have love, meet your friends for tea.
Go places, have faith someone else that is not you can take care of your plants and furs beautifully, and go.
Let go.
Be free.
Do everything.
I did not know that having freedom was challenging.
That allowing yourself to have everything life wants to give you would feel so strange.
I heard a show on NPR once, about how hard it is for us to embrace all this goodness that comes our way.
How we feel more comfortable being sad rather than happy.
How it's so hard for us to embrace joy.
I thought, nope that's not me.
And skipped off.
But now, looking back at the changes in my life over the last couple of years...
I can see now where I had been resisting all this good change.
I guess it's the risk that change, even good change, poses.
Leaving your cozy comfort zone.
I used to loooathe that poster that says, life begins where your comfort zone ends.
How annoying is that, I used to say to myself.
:-)
I resisted the boundaries of my comfort zone so much that I literally came unglued.
I floundered a little like Alice.
Falling falling falling.
Until I remembered something I learned before a surgery I had to have 4+ years ago.
I was so scared.
I resisted it so much, I would sob in the garden at 3 a.m.
Terrified, as we all are, of the unknown.
And then I visualized myself, jumping off a cliff.
And instead of falling, I started to float back and forth like a feather, in pure faith.
Pure faith.
Then you find out, resisting is not the key.
Resisting anything life hands to you, good or bad, is the opposite of peace.
It is torture.
Allowing is the key.
Giving in to your fear and worry and anxiety.
Not resisting, but instead allowing.
I learned this on my own 4 years ago, and yet I have to keep relearning it through books and positive speakers all the time.
We have to train ourselves to let go.
Sometimes I notice I'll get all heated in my mind over a certain topic.
Then I have to laugh out loud at myself when I realize I really don't care.
And I let go.
It's the same with big things.
I accept and allow is my mantra.
I also allow myself to feel any feelings there are about change.
Even good change can make you cry.
Can make you laugh.
Can make you excited.
I look at the winged creatures in my garden.
Their lives are so short.
Their changes happen so quickly.
So if there is one thing I can share...
The most important thing I have learned on this journey of my life to date.
From beginning to now...
Allow, accept, let go.
Go for the ride.
Flow in the journey.
Life is sooooo short.
We hear that all the time.
But we don't realize it until we start to get older.
Life is scary and wonderful and sad and happy and amazing and terrible.
The only control we have is how we react to it all.
Life wanted change for me.
But just as soon as the change happened it also wanted me to not give up my old life.
And somehow, it wants me to merge it all.
In some sort of instrumental unison.
A concerto, I think :-)
And so, that's where I am at.
Gypsy wagon painting included!
I have not been very good at the merging dance.
I must confess.
I've tripped, I've fallen, I've said I can't do this.
But then I listen to myself again.
I ask myself, what do you really want from life?
It always begins with the little things too.
Remind yourself to let go in little ways.
I am gardening in the country, I am listening to piano players in the city.
I am seeing people from my old career life, I am meeting old friends for lunch.
I'm living a few days in the city and country, oh my!
I am spending tons of time with my beloved parents who I adore.
I am juggling a million things.
The one thing, the very one thing that is my safety net -
My happy zone...
The place where I am me, is with my music and paint.
Paintings no one will ever see.
Back to where I started at 11 years old.
Flinging paint and going to that other place painting takes you.
Whether it's good or bad, you just go.
You go on the ride.
You paint your emotions.
And somehow it recenters you.
Like magic.
No pressure to paint anything good.
Even if you just swirl your favorite colors together.
It's a release.
You, your music and this incredible release.
Could be whatever you love to do.
But for me it's the paint.
Somehow you find that change is good.
I watched a documentary about the Pygymies.
One thing that I thought was extra interesting -
The narrator said, pygmies move around and never stay in on place for too long, because it is not good for their mental health.
I thought, wow, we are all the same.
While we all might live in the same place forever, it is good to have change.
Even little change.
Being creative creates change, positive healthy change.
Go to a new café, start a new project, listen to different music, take a different route on a walk.
Even buying a new blouse.
Little changes are good for the soul.
I've always embraced little changes.
And now that big changes happen in my life...
I embrace them too.
Who knew?
Before I came to here to the country house I was a fluttering social butterfly.
And while I'm a different girl now that I've spent so much time doing my own thing, it's fun to allow myself to have both.
It's what I was asking for really.
They say that it's in the moment you make a decision that the universe conspires to assist you.
2 years ago my life started changing more than ever, and it's taken me this long to find out, it's okay to allow yourself to have everything life wants to offer you.
And now, I'm finding the balance.
Little by little.
The one thing I do know.
My pictures and art and this space are crucially dear to my heart.
So thank you for being here.
Under the same moon.
As seasons slowly dare to shift.
We find that, when you fall down the rabbit hole...
Maybe you should consider enjoying the journey, instead of grasping in fear.
Maybe your skirt will act as your parachute.
It probably will, yes, it will.
If you feel fear, allow it.
If you feel sad, allow it.
If you feel happy, allow it.
If you feel overjoyed, allow it.
If you feel confused, allow it.
Allow it all.
Allow yourself to feel.
Be good to you.
I love little changes better than big changes.
But I am now more open to all than ever before.
I find that when I'm forced to change, I get used to the change.
Adaptable humans are what we are.
Aren't we?
I send so much love and prayers to those in need right now.
A lot going on out there, sigh.
And I dedicate this post, with rainbows, to my dear friend who lost her beloved fur boy.
The sky reminds us of the rainbow bridge, doesn't it?
There is always hope.
We are like poppies, folded tightly in our little pods.
But what if we set ourselves free?
No matter our age.
Imagine that?
Set ourselves free to all that could be?
Unfurling with big beautiful ruffled petals?
Oh my.
Exciting stuff!!
Deciding that nothing has to be as it always was.
And that, you are open to your path and all it has in store for you.
Ooooo, I like it.
xoxoxo
Love, V
(Oh and, just as a side note, I think the longer you've stayed tucked in your safe pod, waiting to unfurl, the more beautiful and strong your petals will be, you just don't know it yet. Until you try it of course.)
ps: I know sometimes there is bad change, it's not always good, and that is not easy. But I have found that I learn the most from bad change and it makes me a stronger and more compassionate person. It takes awhile to come out of, but there is often a light in the future, if we look up long enough to see it <3
pps: When I sit down to write a blog post I have zero idea what I am going to say, so please bear with me in my introspective chatter :-)
