I have something to share that I shall begin with...
Once upon a time there was this dog called Baby.
Remember her?
If you've been reading my blog for a long time, you've been on all these journeys with me in some ways.
13 years of journeys.
I got her at a yard sale, my first dog.
Actually she was at the yard sale, a stray, but she wasn't being sold at the sale.
She taught me endless things about life and love, but most importantly, she taught me about what kind of a dog mom I should be in the future. The lessons learned, the regrets, the loss - I took it all in and I held it all near, so I could use it again if I ever needed to.
I never felt such pain as I did losing her (brain tumor) - but I vowed to take what she was showing me and hold on to it, through her difficult last days, life and all <3
Then came Matty and then came Miles into my life (both in very serendipitous ways), and I used all of that knowledge Baby had taught me, in the depths of my pain of losing her, to raise my boys.
And boy, did I hold on to everything I learned.
I tucked it away real deep in my heart, but kept the whole file.
I implemented everything I wish I had done with her, and I grew even more through my two boys.
Who knew your heart could grow and grow, expanding to love so much, and again?
My destiny was to be a dog mom, I have embraced it and loved every minute.
I promised Baby that my next furs would sleep in my bed and go everywhere.
They would live like royalty, because I felt that Baby's life (and all dogs' lives) was so short that I should have done more.
I promised to never regret again.
And so I went on to be the best dog mom I could be.
The boys have had amazing lives thus far.
Miles is 9 years old and Matty is 10.
They chase rabbits in the sun amongst flowers, and rule a garden, or two.
They are never alone and are always hugged, kissed and loved many times a day.
But as we know, life has its twists and turns that happen in the most unexpected moments.
And so, last week I found two huge lumps on Miles that grew overnight.
Grapefruit sized lumps.
It was utterly shocking because he had just had a full physical in late September and was in optimal health.
I had given him a bath two weeks before and felt nothing (plus regular massages).
Alas, we never know what can happen tomorrow.
From one day to the next.
And so, the story takes a twist again.
The things you don't expect, the things you don't want to face, the things that break your heart...
But, here it goes.
Miles has terminal cancer.
He has the best vet I could ever have hoped for & I'm so thankful.
He's had surgical biopsies and everything.
The tumors are so large, fast growing & aggressive that they are inoperable.
He seems so well & healthy today that it's hard to think that his journey is taking this course. But unfortunately, that's life, beautiful & difficult all at once. My only goal is to love him, cherish him & adore him for whatever time he has left. He has had a beautiful full life that will continue to be beautiful until his last day.
He is an angel gifted to me, and I am grateful beyond words to have him in my life. He is pure joy, love, light & goodness. All he wants are belly & ear rubs, love & good food. In return he gifts some kind of magic that is so deep & vast that it is incomprehensible & indescribable.
My dogs have changed me, my life & my understanding of living to the core. They have taught me the deepest love & caring I could ever imagine. You understand this if you too have been touched by an angel as I have.
I refuse to sit in a corner & sob (I've done that already) because it gets us nowhere and wastes precious time. I am determined to celebrate his light & life every second I can.
I am blessed to know him & to be his mum. When I sob now, it will be in a ray of sunshine, where he will live forever.
My sunshine, my only sunshine...
For now, I will kiss & hug him all day - life is full of twists and turns, and the only thing we can choose is how we travel.
One thing I know for sure is that, I want to travel in love and light, in the moment & celebrating how blessed I have been to know
King Miles of the Santa Catalinas♡
We are living in the moment.
A peace has filled my heart, of course I am devastated.
But there is also a calm holding my heart.
We also have our sweet Matty to love and care for.
I have been here before, but now I know better how to experience this part of the journey.
I am choosing to be present and fill him with light and love, because that it was he is, light and love.
I will celebrate him to the very end.
We're not sure if he has a few weeks or a few months.
We will find out soon.
But it doesn't matter.
We have him now and he will live, loved beyond measure, to the very end.
Life was passing by so quickly, but now it is still.
I am in the moment and making snowflakes out of paper with Miles and Matty by my side.
Nothing else matters right now.
Nothing but being in this moment, at this time.
I am grateful for a sort of grace and strength I have been given to hold him through this.
If all the things we face in life make us wiser with our years, then I am utterly thankful for that, for being in this space.
As Mister Love says, we can cry later but right now we enjoy him while he continues to live his life as a happy dog.
(although we have cried rivers of course)
Another life lesson, of living in the moment.
Who cares about the worries of the past and the future.
Love your people and furs, hold them tight.
Now is the time.
<3 <3 <3
Love, Vanessa
ps: I will be back soon, I have not lost my Christmas spirit my friends.
In fact, I feel more in it than I did before.
A peace in my soul to get through the hard things.
To know it is okay to laugh and to cry.
Sometimes at the same time.
To hug and kiss my loves endlessly.
Lots of love to you and yours.
Thank you for being here.
