Oh wing and petal, butterfly summer of my heart...
Where blossoms have grown into trees...
And in the darkest nooks, fairy tale mushrooms have appeared in abundance.
Whispering tales of autumn...
The light begins to shift.
The striped hummingbird moths dance around feverishly.
Their caterpillar selves have been carpeting the ground in both gardens.
I love to see them.
I find such comfort in them, for some reason.
They gather in dozens, sipping the nectar from the wild verbena all around Miles' grave.
Maybe that's why I feel so close to them.
I feel like they are the guardians of my sweetest boy.
The zinnias beckon every winged creature, with their own certain kind of magic.
As dahlias bob down stone stairs I built two springs ago.
I used huge found stones, at least 13 inches deep or more, to create a stair path that looked as though it had been here always.
The butterflies know -
The toil and work endured to build this for them.
A pleasure to my heart, and a job to keep my mind well these 1.5 years of topsy turviness.
Thank goodness for the garden things that keep the imagination alive.
What stories could they tell?
Of what sort of creatures scale the fence and come in at night.
I know they have been here, I see little signs of it, and often little nibbles of bell peppers.
I stroll through the garden and find only the wings of two butterflies deep in the leaves of a cosmos.
I collect them as a garden gift.
I save caterpillars from being attacked by ants.
I know nature must take its own course, but sometimes I can not help myself.
Like the butterfly that had been caught in the giant spider web.
I set her free indeed.
So much going on in the overgrown summer garden.
Soon it will be the autumn garden, in 8 days or so?
The winged creatures are getting so used to me, they let me pet them for 2 seconds, with the gentle side of my pinky finger.
Have you ever pet the fur of a hummingbird moth?
They are so silly.
I am certain they are funny and playful, comical little things.
They even look you right in the eye.
Or come right up to you, to take the last sip of the flower you are clipping for yourself.
Don't worry Hummy, there are more zinnias on the horizon.
The gal I saved comes over to me again.
I can tell it is her because she has just a tinge of spider web still hanging from her wing.
I spend my days rescuing them from fountains and pool, the moment I see them I rush over and pull them out.
Then I set them somewhere safe to dry.
Yesterday there were about 100 moths and butterflies in the pool.
Most just floating, still alive, waiting for me.
I frantically pulled them all out.
Phew!
I go from garden to garden at both houses.
I stroll the garden paths at the country house...
As banana cake bakes in the oven.
I seek out poison mushrooms again and again.
Listening for the tales they would like me to tell...
Something about the hummingbird moth and the butterfly...
What could the story be?
The image below reminds us of how exactly they got their name.
And then other butterflies begin to show up.
As they usually do in autumn.
I love the marking on these.
I wake up at the county house, look out my bedroom window.
20 years of home.
A familiarity so deep in my heart.
I am tending garden at both homes, so it is time to make my 8 minute trek back.
I return to the wild hilled garden to collect goods for dinner.
There are endless limes to collect...
I bring in a few first pumpkins.
Chillies and bell peppers and onions...
And before I go in, I wait for the last sliver of sun...
It never disappoints.
It shoots through the opening in the wall, like a dream of a dream.
A once a day gift.
I intend to visit here more than once a week.
But sometimes I will roll three posts into one, as I have done today.
I am a busy bee it seems, doing this and that.
Going to and fro.
I am painting a cabinet, starting my decorating for Halloween.
Harvesting, watering now that the rains have gone.
Posting wonderful orders, making studio time.
I have a little bit of worry on my heart, as my dad is having surgery for his hip tomorrow.
I'm kind of fluttering around with nervous energy the last few days, trying to do things while feeling a bit wobbly.
Does that ever happen to you?
I seem to run the gamut with the physical symptoms of my worry or nerves.
I do not always worry, and I've collected some major lessons and coping skills over the years.
But I am a natural worrier, not as bad as I used to be, but I have to do things to stay sane.
Like tend my garden madly I suppose.
And learning to let go, just breathe and release, has been amazing.
I did not know that I did not have coping skills for worry, anxiety etc. until I had to face something scary almost 8-10 years ago.
Then it became clear, that I was not skilled in coping with stress.
I've always been wildly happy go lucky, but still a worry wart about certain things, strange but true.
I think we all are to some extent, it's human nature.
There are those people born with an innate ability to cope, and those not programmed with that skill, that can let their worry run wild without end until they are ill.
But you can learn some really easy skills that are life changing.
I was a very brave child, but I still worried about other things.
Even though I was up for anything, and had this strange incredible confidence in things I wanted to try and do -
Deep inside me I was also a worry wart, but not of the things I was trying and doing, more of what ifs about other things.
For example, I wasn't afraid of hiking into the desert alone as a child, but I would worry about what would happen if I failed an exam or got sick.
I guess that's part of having an imaginative mind, it runs away with you.
Most people would be afraid of stomping through snake country, but I would do just that, whilst worrying about other ridiculous things.
There are wonderful skills you can learn to calm yourself, to stop your mind from running wild with worry.
Learning them has been invaluable to my human experience.
It had to get really bad for me, before it got much better.
My journey began around 8 years ago, with a book called Dare by Barry Mcdonagh, it was a real life saver for me.
(I have mentioned this before)
I was at my wits end, no doctors believed that I didn't feel well, and so I somehow sought out a solution for myself.
I ordered dozens of books and hated them all, except this one that I found unexpectedly (Dare), it was just what I needed.
It started to help me instantly and made me a better me.
I still use all those skills I learned almost every day, and I have the Dare app on my phone for daily meditations.
It's important to find the things that help you level yourself.
One thing I have come to learn is that, as bad as anxiety feels, it is an emotion that we often try not to allow ourselves to have, which only makes it worse of course.
Anxiety is an emotion that all of us have to different degrees.
Through my journey I have met so many people struggling, who I have been able to help in my own little way.
(they bought the book too and it was helpful, no I am not sponsored at all, just sharing something that helped me)
If I had not learned those skills, I am not sure I would have been able to cope with all the things happening around us.
Anxiety is a broad label for a whole basket of feelings like fear, panic, stress, worry, despair.
During these last couple of years I am sure we have all had our own encounter with these feelings.
Remember to be kind to yourself.
Remember that, you can not worry yourself sick about things that you have no control over.
I learned that from my 85 year old friend.
I am no doctor, so I am only sharing what works for me, and we all have to find our own way...
But I have learned that -
No matter how rotten things feel, they will get better, nothing lasts forever.
It may look like I live in a world of everything being okay.
And it is, even when everything is not, because I know feelings pass and I now have skills to talk myself through things.
And if I have to, I allow myself to fall apart, like sob while listening to a song and chopping vegetables for dinner.
I always feel better after :-)
Times have not been easy, there have been so many losses and things to fret about, haven't there?
But even when things are scary and bleak, there is beauty all around.
I always repeat my gratitude out loud.
Sometimes I just say thank you thank you thank you thank you, over and over.
Gratitude is a great healer.
You are just one little you, and there is only so much you can take on in your heart and mind.
I send all my love and hopes into the universe, and do my best - that is all I can do.
I have come to a place where I can now feel worry, joy and peace all at once.
Sometimes I feel one of those more that the other.
Most days I do not worry at all, but when I do -
I remind myself, I am not in control of the world or universe, so I can not take it on.
Somedays might be harder and I need to implement the skills I have learned again, and that's okay too.
My dad has always said, it is healthy to laugh and cry every day, I share this all the time.
Now I understand what he means.
It reminds me of someone being surprised with a puppy they have longed for, and how they laugh and cry at the same time.
Letting go is a great healer, understanding you are just like the butterflies and the moths.
Here for a little while, and while things can seem very hard -
There are still flowers and seasons and stars and wishes.
As long as you are here, there is hope.
It's okay to feel sad and rotten, but also leave a little room for the joys of your heart.
I remind myself, keep moving forward, even if it's in tiny ways.
Even if it just means starting a new project, or going for a walk to feel better.
Whatever bad thought you have, flip it to the positive version.
If I say, I am so worried about my dad, I also say, I am so excited for him to feel better soon.
And when I am in the depths of despair...
I sing.
Any song that comes to mind.
I try, and somehow it helps me make my way through.
Especially if you're driving and something stresses you out, just sing!
You will be amused at what song you choose too, and that will make you laugh, after you freak out of course.
:-)
I have found ways to look at things in a funnier way, more light hearted.
What skills have you learned that help you get through worrisome times?
It's really good to know that, we are not alone.
You are not alone.
Every single person alive has hopes, fears, joys, woes.
Some of us get through things a bit easier, while others need to learn ways to do so.
If I was able to learn ways to cope, so can you.
I think I shall close with today's motto of...
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Magic, wishes and stars to you!
Love, Vanessa
