Farewell August.
Farewell dear lovely dad.
After a very unexpected illness and long arduous summer, things were looking up.
Dad was getting better.
I sat by his bedside giving him a manicure, laughing, listening to music.
He kept rubbing my cheek, telling me he loved my smile.
"I love that smile..."
We watched the beautiful sunset and hugged.
I left and returned to hug him again before leaving a second time.
A few days later, all of a sudden, he took a turn for the worst.
I was by his side right until his last breath.
Holding his hand, not wanting to let go.
All I can hope is that he is in a wonderful, beautiful place.
Healthy and young again.
He always loved the scent of the garden.
He would stand in my garden and say, this is unbelievable, and the scent is unreal.
I never understood my deep calling and need to grow a garden since I was 19.
But I know that it has taught me so much and held me in the most difficult times.
Sunshine, birds, butterflies, clouds, petals.
It's been my way to get through anything in life for the last 25+ years.
I was away in another city renting houses and hotels all summer.
Trying to be near my dad at all times as he was getting care in another city.
When I would come home for a few days I would take photos of my garden and then leave my camera behind.
I had not looked at any of the photos until today.
Summer feels like a blur, and now August has come to an end.
Today I will share some of the images preserved by my camera, of the place I go that holds my heart.
It's hard to believe that my dad is gone.
Although, much like when Matty died, I still feel my dad around me.
I do not feel an emptiness within.
I am sad that I will not speak to him every day on the telephone, like we were accustomed to doing.
But I'm still speaking to him out loud, and I hope he can hear me.
He was so excited to meet little Poppy.
He loved the videos and photos I would share with him.
Alas, he never did get to.
I talked to him about everything going on in the garden.
About what the weather was like.
We listened to all of our favorite songs.
We had our song, and a few close others that we loved.
It was my pleasure to be by his side during such a hard time.
I understand that none of us can stay here forever.
But I am very sad that he had to get ill and go through all of that.
That is what pains me the most.
He was a practical man, filled with sayings and mottos.
I have buckets of sayings told to me from birth that I will remember fondly.
In fact, many of them have helped me throughout life.
My dad would definitely not want me to sit around sobbing all day.
I can hear him so clearly.
He would likely say, stop crying, let's go, you have so many things to do in life.
Do them all, do everything you want to do, never give up on your dreams.
I have moments of peace as well as moments of disbelief that all of this has transpired.
My heart aches.
I am certain the grieving process is all about this and more.
Emotions will ebb and flow when least expected.
One minute you are laughing and the next, you are reduced to a puddle, crying in a corner.
From the day I can remember, my dad has been pushing me to be brave and strong.
But still laugh and cry each day, and always allow yourself to feel your emotions.
(my dad had given Teddy that racoon and now Poppy has taken it as her own and loves it)
I feel that at no other time in my life would I have been able to lose my dad.
I was not ready for such a profound loss.
But with age I have become stronger and wiser.
Although I am totally heartbroken, I feel able to cope (albeit difficult) in a way that I never would have been able to when I was younger.
I have learned so much about life.
With the passing of time, I have lost friends and my dear beloved dogs as well.
I have learned so much about loss, and about how those you love can stay with you, in your heart forever.
You never have to let go, you can hold them dear and love them forever, even if you can not see them.
Poppy grew so much this summer.
Gosh, my dad would have loved her.
There are times I feel strong and others I just have to sob.
But right now, I don't feel my dad is gone.
I feel him by my side.
And for that I am grateful.
He is all around.
In golden hour, in rain drops, in sunsets, in the breeze...
And now it's time to make my apple jam.
Which I had told him all about.
I am eternally thankful to the garden.
I am thankful for all the work it requires and all the endless gifts it gives in return.
I am so grateful to have a place to go to be busy, to have hope, to watch beauty flutter all around me.
Yesterday monarchs flew all around us, bouncing into each other, and flying all around Poppy and Teddy.
Poppy was mesmerized.
I have to tell you...
I had written an entire post an hour ago and hit something with my pinky and lost the entire text.
No photos, just text.
I could not retrieve it with the "restore content" option.
It was the oddest thing.
So, I decided not to get upset and go outside for a break.
Just then, there was a clap of thunder, and it started pouring rain.
The sun was shining low through some clouds and purple and pink light illuminated my face through the rain.
It was some sort of magical golden hour, mixed with rain.
I knew what that meant.
I would have never gone out to see it if I hadn't lost my post.
I felt my dad there in that moment.
So, I rewrote my entire post.
Everything came out differently, but just as it should.
I thought I would have my dad in my life until he was at least 86.
He died on August 24, 2024 at the age of 76.
He had been fit, energetic, running his business, being his loud bossy self that I adored.
He was healthy, took care of himself and had me convinced he'd be around forever.
Life is so unpredictable and totally out of our control.
I have completely accepted that.
I will miss my dad until my last day.
I will cherish my dear beautiful mom who has been by my side through all of this.
My brother and sister have also gone through a lot, but it is not my place to speak of their grieving.
I just wanted to stop in and share about where I have been all summer.
About my sad little heart.
And to properly say Farewell to August and to my father and best friend, Ray Valencia.
A dad who will continue to live on in my heart through his sayings and continue to teach me things.
Because I know exactly what he would think or say to any question I have in life.
And perhaps, that is the greatest gift of all.
A gift that can never be taken away.
"No one loves you better than your dad..."
His saying to me since I was a child.
Every card, every conversation...
I know that to be true.
I have always felt very loved.
My loyal guardian and guide.
Ray Valencia.
Love you forever dad.
♥
One of our songs, which he used to sing to me as a little girl, and stuck with us all these years.
Funny but true.
The movie had just come out with Dudley Moore and he just loved this song.
Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross
