When your heart feels a certain way, chase golden hour.
The magic lives there.
In those last rays of golden light.
Illuminating everything in its fairy tale haze.
I stand in the last beam, closing my eyes, marveling.
Taking a deep breath.
Fluffy white tail running through the rose arbor.
Golden light bouncing through Queen Anne's Lace.
It's Easter evening and Teddy all of a sudden looks quite lambish to me.
Must be the ears :-)
He and Poppy are about to do their wrestling, which happens all day long.
Wrestle, nap, snacks, repeat.
Our wild Poppy girl, making us all feel whole again.
It's as though she was always here.
Keeping us all on our toes.
Guarding the garden.
So like Matty in many ways.
In her pink and yellow garden.
Waiting for her Teddy to come back from a walk with Irishman.
It seems that even the Marc Chagall roses got the color combo memo.
I stand at the top of my rolling hills garden.
The last of the light setting in the mountains to the west.
I can not miss a golden hour.
They fill me with everything I need late in the afternoon.
I used to talk to my dad every evening, so now it feels like something is missing.
Because, well, there is.
It's funny, this life experience.
Some days, I'm light and cheery and then all of a sudden, I feel deep sadness over my dad.
Today I was thinking, how everyone is going through something.
How sometimes we feel so hopeless and lost.
I wanted you to know that, it's okay to feel sad, you're not alone.
Life can feel so difficult and overwhelming, I know.
I just want you to know that, I feel the same way sometimes too.
I suppose that's part of why I come here, to invite you into the garden with me and Poppy and Teddy.
To share a little light, to bring you with us.
I try to capture the moments in my photographs as I experience them.
In hopes that you can imagine being there too.
I thought I knew everything when I was younger.
I feel like I have a lot of wisdom that grows as I get older.
But I also feel like, I know nothing.
Just when we were happiest, when we felt like we had arrived at some wonderful place, my dad died.
We had so many things we wanted to do, places to go, things to see.
I'm sorry to come to this happy place and talk about this, but I am nothing if not honest.
To lose your person, your rock, is the most difficult.
It's almost like, you have to find your joy within again.
I was a girl with a dad who loved her, and supported her, and guided her.
Over the last 10 years I have become emotionally stronger than I ever thought I could be.
I smile to myself, at the irony of life, how it was preparing me to be able to go through the big things.
You cannot ever be truly prepared, but younger Vanessa would not have been able to get through this time.
All that guides me now is wisdom, faith, coping skills, and knowing that you have to just allow yourself to go through.
So, I seek golden hour light every single day.
I paint all night, I kiss my dogs.
I walk around garden paths and I listen to music and audiobooks and make healthy meals.
It's okay to go through things in life and to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.
But it's most important to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Stand in golden hour light, bathe in golden hour light.
Take a deep breath.
Sing a song.
You're not alone.
Life is filled with ups and downs.
As my dad always said, allow yourself to laugh and cry every day.
It will take me time to heal, I hope you understand.
Mister Lovee was telling me that when his mother died many years ago, it took him 6 months to realize what had really happened.
I feel the same way.
Of course, I was there, I held his hand as he left.
I know what happened, but the raw reality has hit a bit harder lately.
The thing is, I know what to do.
I know to allow, and cry and feel and chase golden hour, and smell roses.
And talk to my dad, and listen to the birds, and run to the top of the hill to watch pink mountains at sunset.
But it's also okay to cuddle up with a blanket and a dog or two and shed tears.
Talk to friends, go for an early walk.
Above all, be extra kind to yourself.
I'm learning things as I go through this part of my journey.
I will share as I go through.
And I hope you will share with me too.
Lots of Love,
Vanessa
PS:
Just wanted to add that I will be responding to comments in the comment section.
Unfortunately, my blog service does not allow me any way to notify you and let you know that I have answered.
So, if you fancy a peek, there will be responses :-)
PPS:
I sometimes like to share what I was listening to when I was writing my post.
This song came on as I was typing and I listened to it a few times.
I thought you might find it lovely, as I did <3
Surreal by Ryan Stewart.
The comment section at YouTube says the whole CD is wonderful.
I love a lot of his songs.
