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Then I think, forget the journey itself, sometimes you have to wonder how to even being the journey?
Before I go on....
Let me be honest here.
Over the last week and a half, there have been some really intense freak out moments regarding "the scary thing."
I am working through lots of things in my mind, that my little foray into the unknown has brought me.
This includes replaying the event itself.
Throat closing in, hives all over my body, not being able to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and not being able to communicate because my brain feels trapped in confusion.
Then of course, I panic.
I am trying to work through it all and just move on, I am, talking about it helps so much.
Somehow, I know I am not alone in this.
In these feelings.
My thoughts lead me to think about others, maybe even you?
And where you might find yourself at this very moment.
I know so many people right now going through so many things.
Changes in their world.
Divorce, loss of loved ones, major life changes, health issues, or even finding themselves in that place in life where they feel plum lost.
Any matter of things life hands you, can leave you feeling like, "hey, where did the path go?"
Where am I?
Where do I go from here?
How do I get out of this?
For me, it comes down to my tools, a lot of self pep talks and prayers...
(Oh and, lots of talks with Mister Lovee and hugs with the furs)
The other day I felt so panic stricken, I finally bolted outside, and ran around the yard as fast as I could listening to this...
Never mind that I have not been running in eons.
Between gasping for breath and letting out some anxiety, I was sobbing.
Mostly because for the first time, I recognized my mortality?
Was that it?
I don't know.
But I ran and ran and ran.
And sobbed, and ran, and heaved for breath.
It felt so good.
So so so insanely good.
Then a huge gust of wind came and whipped around me.
I felt like, in the wind was a message.
Work hard, keep believing, don't give up on dreams.
Love yourself.
Be good to you.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Really live.
To the fullest.
What does really living entail?
I thought I knew already, but...
That wasn't in the message.
:)
I haven't the foggiest clue for certain, but I have my eyes open, just in case.
Paint at the ready.
For many uses it seems.
And so, I locked myself up in the studio.
Music, paint brushes, canvas, clay...
For some reason, when thinking about things in my life, my brain jumps to thinking about others.
And I feel this sort of deep compassion for people I don't even know.
I wonder, how do others cope with even grander things going on?
How do they find their own way back?
How do you?
The only thing I know is that, in the place where the depths of my imagination meets creating, there is a map back to myself.
I know it's in there tucked away.
Even if it gets lost in the suitcase lining.
It's there somewhere.
All I have to do is get out of my chair, and go get it.
But sometimes, that is that hardest step, isn't it?
The first step?
So, I force myself.
Each step brings me back to that familiar happy me place.
A place that is always there.
Even when I think it's missing or misplaced.
Lots of things happened to me earlier on in my life, which forced me to find myself.
I feel lucky, even though the things seemed hard at the time.
Lucky that I could piece some things together, an emergency kit if you will.
To help me back, when things get foggy.
Sometimes I have to bang on things on my way there.
Just to get my brain to open up, just so.
I guess, for a long time everything seemed perfect.
And it still does, in its own imperfect way.
But really, I had a wake up call.
Yes, that's what it was.
Over the last week, I have been telling my very hard head, that there was something to learn from it.
To be open, to let go.
To succumb.
The first time I heard this song I could not let go of this one line.
It has replayed itself in my mind, over and over and over.
It says,
"I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in."
Isn't that an amazing liberating thought?
I think, only with age have I been able to really understand the beauty in that.
It's incredible to me, how so much emphasis is put on being young, and staying young.
Being young is touted as being the end all be all.
Ya sure, you feel good, you look good.
But, when you are young, you know so little about certain things.
If you had told me that when I was 25, I would have thought you were mad.
I thought I knew it all.
But it is only as I get older, that I really see.
It's only with getting older that I really understand my youth, and live it.
It is only with passing years, that I have come to appreciate the now.
It's only today, that I have some form of tools, to help me find my way back to Wonderland.
If ever I get lost.
An ever changing place in my heart of hearts.
A place of everyone's own making.
In everyone's heart.
And so I ask, what do you do to stay in your happy place?
What are your tricks?
And, if you haven't made a map yet...
Are you thinking about it?
I'll tell you another secret.
There are people who I love who don't get what I do.
Who, might not even believe in it like I do.
Who think I am insane, and impractical.
It's soooo hard, I know, to try not to let that affect you.
But I repeat this to myself -
I can't live my life for anyone else.
I have to be true to me.
I HAVE to be true to me.
Some days I have to remind myself many times.
Luckily Mister Lovee and I are on the same page.
What would I do without him?
Wowe.
Was that too heavy for today?
;)
My brain runneth over with thoughts it seems.
Thank goodness for paint and paint brushes to keep me semi-sane.
And chats with you, for sure.
Love, V
ps: Early Sunday morning, black eyed susans and evening primrose...
A while back in time, and eye sore happened in the garden, right outside of the little gallery building. It was because of an electrical upgrade, that our tiny vintage box with one handle (scary), had to turn into a proper huge large giant electrical box (yay safety). I hadn't been able to see the last one, but boy oh boy could I see this one.
Months and months, and more months went by as I wondered what to do with the metal lemons into lemonade box.
It will come to me, I thought.
I was going to paint a mural on it. But, wasn't so convinced about that.
So, I kept waiting.
Knowing it would come to me someday.
Then, one day last week, it did hit me...
Actually, it hit me when the hollyhocks began to bloom just the other day.
You see, I planted about 500 hollyhock seeds 2 years ago.
Back then, when I planted them, they sprouted and began to grow very slowly (biennials).
Then rabbits came in a mowed them down.
Gobbled up in one night.
Just like that.
But, a few were able to be saved by me.
I covered them with birdcages, and other cages I made with waffle wire.
I protected them, watered them.
I saved them from a huge wave of caterpillars eating all the leaves up, and thousands of their black eggs.
Eeeeieghwee.
And then, it was another year, another spring, and they began to grow tall and bloom in the now.
2 years waiting.
All of a sudden, I knew what to do with the electrical box.
The hollyhocks made me feel like I was in my own floral shop forest...
I cracked opened the can, spray painted, and never looked back.
I loved my decision right away.
Now I have a little place to write in the garden.
I'm smitten!!
The paint lets the chalk write so easily, like butter.
I so recommend it.
(oopsie, missed a "u" in bouquet)
Must thank the hollyhocks for chalk board inspiration for certain.
Thank you fluttery papery beauties!!
;)
Hollyhock love.
I don't know how I will ever be able to live without a hollyhock in the garden.
All it took to save them from the caterpillar invasion was spraying with dish soap water mixed into a spray bottle.
There are seemingly two kinds of flowers on these stalks. Some stalks have single flowers, and others have ruffled flowers. It is all so exciting and inspiring to me in some grander way.
Does that make sense?
Can't wait for them to bloom all the way up the stalk.
Would you believe I still had my Valentine's Day Balloons?
I hung them out there for my very proper and pretend flower shop opening...
Petite Fleur.
So, when life gives you lemons, buy chalkboard paint.
Is that the lesson here??
:)
Oh and... I must share some new cards I just put into the shop.
These are so scrumptious in person.
I took the drawing I did for the previous Mad Tea Party, and make proper invites.
I am off to paint, and repair my new hot glue gun.
How about you?
See ya super duper sooooon.
Love, V
ps: Oh, guess what? Some have suggested that my meter reader will be smitten. I only wish! Sadly, he shall never spy it, for technology has him using a gadget to read my meter from far far away, digitally. Gasp! ;)
It's true.
pss:
The best part of getting up at 5 a.m. and weeding and thinning the garden is (dark and chilly, but getting used to my summer hours)...
Nibbling crunchy cool baby carrots that had to be thinned.
This is my second round of thinning them.
I love taking the tops, sautéing them with sweet onions, and cooking them into an egg dish.
(I hear mixed reviews about the safety in eating carrot tops, any thoughts?)
So so so delicious!
It takes me 4-5 hours to tend my garden, so I have to get on a schedule, no lollygagging, or I will never get anything done. Hello 5 a.m. :) Eeks.
It's a little bit like a real toy workshop around here these days...
I am bound and determined that there will be elves and wee faces in this shop this very week!
Maybe not the huge bevy I had planned, but a healthy handful...
It is so cozy and warm inside, with a BBC mini series playing, and plenty of orange spice tea...
Whilst outside, it rains and rains, without a break.
How I love the few times we get rain, especially the winter rains.
Today it is watery and cold out.
Big fluffy clouds, snow capped mountains, flannel ruffled nightgowns...
And lots of sprouts, from all the seeds I have tossed about, peek out, letting me know that they will be big and tall in spring if all works out.
But for now, there is paint + me working double time -
Unless the earth swallows me up, there will be wee faces this week, in my online shop.
I can't say what day (as I don't know myself, what with photo taking etc), but I will come here and post photos, and let'cha know when the adoption doors are open.
Finishing touches continue...
Random Chatter Alert -
Ages ago Mister Lovee bought me a CD on one of his many thriftventures. But the funny thing was, the CD he thought he bought (the CD was taped shut so he could not check), was not the CD in the case. Even funnier is that, the CD in the case, is even better than what he thought he had purchased.
Boy, that was a mouthful :)
The CD in the case is a menagerie of songs on harp, which I adore, and am just now getting to listen to in full. The Godfather, on harp, ha! My Favorite Things, on harp, swoon! And more. So, between the smell of my spicy citrus tea, and the music and the painting, I am in heaven.
No to mention that Mister Lovee peeked his head into the studio to say that his signature French Toast was made and ready for me. I should let him cook more often ;)
Although, this morning was a total surprise.
I love surprises, do you?
He is a good gnome.
Well, back to my elfin workshop I go!
Love, Vanessa
ps: I posted this a couple of years ago, but I just love it. It makes my whole face smile. Have you ever seen so many beautiful complexions in your life? Not counting children and babies?
I love that I understand two things.
"I need a snow dream under the sky"
&
"Sha-na-na-na-na"
haha!
Wait, I think there was a third & 4th thing I understood...?
Hello, my name is Vanessa Valencia and I am an artist living in a lovely part of Arizona. I make all kinds of art, from painting to clay sculpting. I love tending my gardens and cuddling my dogs. This blog is about art, lifestyle, gardening, cooking, crafting & every single little magical thing in between ♥
